CAUTION: Virgin Approaching a Sex Toy Store…with her Mom

On Friday I found myself in a toy store, only this one wasn’t filled with Barbies and Legos. This was a store only an adult could appreciate. At the beginning of the night, I had not intended to spend my Friday evening in a sex toy store with my mom, but hey, shit happens.

Of course the store had a ridiculous and hard to pronounce name, which is why it was dubbed “Le Tacky” by my mother. We walked in and started browsing, my mom occasionally laughing at the cardboard cutouts advertising a contest to win “A night with Nick Hawk, male gigolo.”

The cardboard Nick Hawke, male gigolo was half naked and holding a leather whip in one hand and a smug look on his face (of course). Things just kept getting better the further into the store we got. We should have known not to go past the curtains, but my mother isn’t one to let fear of the unknown stop her. Behind curtain number one was literally a wall full of porn DVDs, with naked women and stupid names like “Naughty Schoolgirls part 6.” Honestly though, how many DVDs does one man need of girls dressed in slutty clothes being “naughty”?

Naughty schoolgirls part 6 wasn’t even the most shocking thing in there (to my mother at least). My mom happened to look up and was greeted with an ass, like a literal ass on a shelf. Because what man wants to use their hands when they can buy a $400 replica ass? According to the sales associate, who came over when my mom asked how much the butt was, $400 was pretty cheap for such a nice quality toy, and those were her exact words.

Now, I may be a virgin, but I know where babies come from and what people do when they are alone, but I just could not wrap my head around spending that kind of money when you can have plain old sex for free. Just wrap it before you tap it and you’re good to go right? Wrong! Le Tacky has a special section of toys for couples, from furry handcuffs and whips for bondage and S&M, to a $1500 cage. It literally looked like a big-ass bird cage, only instead of cute little birdies, you put your partner in it. Was I tempted to get in it? Of course! Did I actually get up the guts, no, and knowing my mother she would probably close the door and then stand outside and laugh at me. No joke people, my mom is just crazy enough to find that shit funny.

So, I get that S&M has become more mainstream via Fifty Shades of Grey, or “Fifty Shades of Get Beat to Get Paid,” as it is affectionately referred to by my mother; but I think a $1500 cage might be pushing it. One recurring theme of this whole experience is that kinky sex is expensive! Clearly someone thinks it makes a difference, otherwise Le Tacky wouldn’t sell $200 “personal massagers” and $1500 cages.

Perhaps my virgin mind just couldn’t wrap itself around the idea of spending more than a thousand dollars so that someone can lock me up. Maybe if I had more experience, I would have a different, more informed view. But this virgin just doesn’t get it. While I learned a lot of stuff during my visit to Le Tacky, I have also learned things I can never unlearn. And  I can tell you one thing for certain, if I ever have a boyfriend who suggests it would be a good idea to lock me up in a cage, my ass is running in the opposite direction.

My real ass- not the $400 fake one.

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