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The Best And Worst Parts Of The Fourth Of July

The Best And Worst Parts Of The Fourth Of July

The Fourth Of July is this Friday, and to honor that we decided to share with you the best (and worst) parts of the Fourth Of July. Fireworks and excessive Patriotism are in store for you. You have been warned. ‘Murica. 

BEST PARTS


 

Phallic Fireworks
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The last moment in the office before the three day weekend
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Fried-freaking-chicken
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SPARKLERS:
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Setting off illegal fireworks on a day celebrating the formation of law and order
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American flag bathing suits
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Beer.
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Dancing in the streets.
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FREEDOM
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Being able to sleep in that day instead of dashing off to the office: FREEDOM MFERS
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Boomsday
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Clothing and makeup sales!
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Being as annoying as you want with your American pride.
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Martina McBride’s “Independence Day”
Seriously. This live version is the epitome of everything you need and want The Fourth Of July  to be.

WORST PARTS


Drunk Parents
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When the Fourth Of July falls in the middle of the week:
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Baked beans in the heat

My sister just read a book called Skinny Bitch, and is telling me gross stuff about the food I eat.


When it rains on your cookout
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American flag bathing suits
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Mosquitoes and fire ants that love to congregate on people watching fireworks

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Having to police the crazed animals that are freaking out over the loud booming

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Forgetting that it’s the Fourth of July and then combat crawling across the floor because you think it’s gunshots and you need to turn off all the lights and grab your pepper spray for protection
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The colors – red, white, and blue – look awful together but we’ve been brainwashed to think that color combination is acceptable. They’re not even complimentary colors…
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Family members that decide to take the day off as an open invitation to come invade your space
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Traffic to get to the areas where you can see the awesome firecrackers

Everyone being all “FREEDOM BITCHES” when only four days earlier SCOTUS essentially ruled that women aren’t people but corporations are (too soon?)
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Everyone wearing all red, white and blue everything. Head to toe.
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Holla at me

Natalie

Natalie is, despite her best efforts, somewhat of an adult. Ish. A resident of the San Francisco Bay Area, a film student at UC Santa Cruz, and an avid Harry Potter fan, Natalie spends too much time on the internet avoiding major responsibilities. Unless it's baseball season. Beneath snark and sarcasm lies a proud feminist with a sailor's mouth and the occasionally witty and/or intelligent remark. Or so she hopes.
Natalie
Holla at me
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