I am a millennial. I have seen weird shit on the Internet. I have been Goatse-d, Tubgirled, and forced to read “My Immortal” (I’m not linking and don’t Google any of those).
But I have not been so thoroughly astounded in pure “what-the-fuck”-dom as when our dear, professional editor Katie alerted us to The Tinglers. The amazingly photoshopped cover of “My Billionaire Triceratops Craves Ass” features a male model who is probably upset about not guarding his licenses more carefully, a Triceratops in a monocle and top hat, and a beautiful view of Central Park prominently framed by two construction cranes. I had to know more.
What is a “Tingler,” you may ask? Invented by Dr. Chuck Tingle, who is totally a real person and not just a stock photo, the newest wave of erotic fiction is “a story so blissfully erotic that it cannot be experienced without eliciting a sharp tingle down the spine.” (By the way, Dr. Tingle’s PhD comes from DeVry University in Holistic Massage, so he surely knows this topic well) (Oh, and don’t bother to see if DeVry University offers a Holistic Massage program, much less a doctorate program—please do not doubt The Tingler). Dr. Tingle is from Billings, Montana, and “almost” a black belt in Tae Kwon Do, currently at the status of “grandmaster.” Here, he shares his creative process with us by the beachy shores of Billings, Montana while showcasing his Tae Kwon Do expertise via his clothing (though please do not rush to follow him on Twitter, he asks that you respect his privacy #as a doctor):
Morning meditation is an important part of creating new tinglers pic.twitter.com/6AhbWOGE1v
— Chuck Tingle (@ChuckTingle) January 26, 2015
Now that we have a better understanding of the man behind the masterpiece, let’s focus on his work. A prolific author who takes his time with his craft, he has seven books (which, to be fair, is seven more than I have ever published) loaded to Amazon between December and January, each around 4,000 words. His titles have a subtle elegance, ranging from the classic “Gay T-Rex Law Firm: Executive Boner” to the more edgy “Taken By The Gay Unicorn Biker” for the low price of $2.99 (free for Kindle Unlimited). True fans can also purchase either the Unicorn Tingler or Dinosaur Tingler box set for $5.99.
Unfortunately, even with my generous Literally, Darling expense account I was unable to purchase one of his stories for professional purposes (also, I am not looking forward to my future Amazon recommendations). However, the kind and benevolent Dr. Tingle has enabled the “Look Inside!” feature, so that you may preview his work.
The following are some gems and my thoughts regarding the first page of, “My Billionaire Triceratops Craves Gay Ass:”
…I eventually became more than a little scared of him, and eventually thankful when he finally moved to the deep south to become a dancer at an all male cabaret. I couldn’t discipline him either, as he had become a billion due to a string of impeccably well-placed Super Bowl bets.
Because obviously, if you become a billion (or even a billionaire), you leave your life as a pet to go be an exotic dancer. Everyone knows that the triceratops, in addition to being a vegetarian, is known for its dancing skills. It also takes a true wordsmith to have the courage to use “eventually” two times in the same sentence.
These day’s I’m living on the East Coast, after falling in love with New York during my college years away from home. My family is still in Los Angeles, but I see them frequently, sometimes making the flight back for the holidays and other times hosting them on trips to the big apple.
Through his bold grammatical choices and gripping prose, Dr. Tingle provides insight into his complex characters.
“I’ve missed you a lot, Jeremy.” Oliver says, a deep pain in his voice. “I know,” I tell him as a single tear wells up and rolls down my cheek. I wasn’t prepared for this just of conversation tonight.”
I am beginning to lose faith in Dr. Tingle’s grammatical choices. Is that an autocorrect fail? Was this written on a cell phone?
“Sorry, it’s kinda hard to hold up the phone with my claws.”
A triceratops with claws? Well… he is the doctor. Maybe I am wrong about this.
“There’s a nice restaurant a few blocks from my place that I’ve been hoping to try. It’s called The Chow Lounge.”
…Dr. Tingle, have you been to a nice restaurant? Outside of Billings, Montana? Surely even Billings has better selections than something called The Chow Lounge.
He stands up to greet me as I walk over to him, giving me a big hug with his tiny triceratops arm
That’s not… I can’t… Did you even read the Wikipedia page on triceratops?
He sits down and smiles wide with a mouthful of sharp teeth.
Oliver shakes his head in mock disappointment. “What are we going to do with you? Such a nasty little human twink, you need a real dinosaur to show you how to fuck.”
Well, at least we know he lives up to the triceraTOPs name.
But wait! What is this? “A Billionaire Dinosaur Forced Me Gay” by one Hunter Fox?! (Who, by sharing his Gmail address, seems much more willing to discuss his craft than Dr. Tingle). With the main character ALSO a billionaire dinosaur named Oliver (though this one was assumed to be a T-Rex). DON’T TELL ME DR. TINGLE IS NOT THE TRUE ORIGINATOR OF THIS TOTALLY REAL GENRE.
In all seriousness, Internet, you are a weird place—no offense to the gay dinosaur porn community, which I’m sure is full of lovely human beings. God bless the Internet for bringing people together and making them realize they aren’t alone in their fantasies. Even though, occasionally, they probably should be.
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