Shit My Family (Unfortunately) Says

Ah the holidays, when forced family gatherings occur on an uncomfortable regularity and remind you that your family might in fact be bat shit insane. It’s a time when the level of absurdity rises to nearly unbearable levels and makes you long for the summer days when Dad’s making inappropriate wiener jokes over the BBQ. To celebrate and commiserate in your pain, here’s some of the craziest shit our families have said over the years. Join us as we laugh, cry, and hide our heads in shame at being related to them.


 

“Dammit, if I’d known I wouldn’t have wasted my ethnic cleansing!” – Mom

Fortunately this was during a game of ‘Cards Against Humanity’ in which blushing, Conservative Southern Mom won by a landslide.

 

“And I told Sarah, just give me a needle and thread and I’ll fix the problem right now.” – Granny (great-grandmother)

Re: a cousin who has had a couple of kids with a couple of different people. Granny has no chill.

 

“The doctor told me it’s a yeast infection! I said ‘A yeast infection? How the heck would I get a yeast infection?’ I’m not one of those girls who runs around with the different guys ya know!”

Grandma had a skin rash and thought a yeast infection was a STD.

 

“I guess you were always fat!”

Grandma informed me as we looked at my baby pictures.

 

“You two are old maids. Nobody will want to marry you! The only there’s hope left for is your 19 year-old-sister. She still has time.”

Grandma telling my 21 and 23 year old sisters that they are too old to get married.

 

“Can’t you just eat something with gluten in it at least once? Can’t you tell your body not to react?”

My mom’s cure for autoimmune disease.

 

“I thought I needed your help to set up Netflix screaming but I was able to scream it all by myself.”

My mom is much smarter and capable than she thinks.

 

“I watched the non-musical version of Les Miserables because I’m just not sure I am ready to hear Hugh Jackman sing”

I had to break the news to my mom that he is actually a very good singer.

 

Mom: “I want to see pictures from your water boarding.”
Me: “You mean wake boarding?”
Mom: “Same thing.”

When we take the boat out on the lake with friends, we don’t torture anybody!

 

“I DON’T smoke! I DON’T drink! At least I don’t think I do…”

Grandpa was declaring his status as my sister and I drove him to a family party.

 

You’re too young for me!”

Grandpa would always make sure we knew this when we came over to visit.

 

“This turkey has been fed on fish pellets”

My aunt  who’s had butchery training informing us about the contents of a turkey’s stomach while we were all eating it.

 

“I couldn’t remember who wrote it, so  I just walkaquinoaed the author” (Wikipedia-ed)

My dad is very good at this Internet thing.

 

“If you don’t get the f**k out of the kitchen, I’m going to bake you into this lasagna”

Thanks Mom, Merry Xmas to you too.

 

“I was very disappointed at the fact I could only find three kinds of cake at Costco and not four like usual! Oh well. We’ll just have to settle.”

Grandma, no one needs that much cake. #Firstworldproblems

 

“Light the menorah, but then blow the candles out right away because you’re probably going to set the house on fire. Is the gas on? Where are the dogs, we have to make sure they don’t suffocate.”

When your dad is Jewish and paranoid.

 

“Love is a lie. Just find a man and dress him up and get him to take you places. The point of marriage is to tolerate your partner. What, I’m not being cynical, I’m just telling you the truth. Don’t waste your life looking for the love of it. What, you think life is like Sex and the City? They should call that show Bills in the City. Honestly, there’s no point to life. The point is what you make of it. Just be nice to everyone like Jesus. It’s possible I’m an atheist and gay. Merry Christmas!”

When you have a lot of aunts who like to drink wine.  

 

“It’s fine to focus on your career this much, just make sure to freeze your eggs.”

I guess my reproductive system is fair game for table conversation.

 

“No I don’t want to f*cking donate to March of Dimes, I just want to buy my damn turkey!” – Grandpa

When Grandpa chose deli meat over charity last year.

 

“As I’ve always said, as soon as his boxers are on the floor, you’re pregnant.” – Grandma

…As she congratulated my cousin on her engagement.

 

“I mean, accidents happen!” – Mom

On how my little sister came into this world

 

“Did you just say ‘HEY’? Hay is for horses.” – Mom

For Christmas, I took my mom to a show and dinner in the city. This was her response when I asked the waiter, “Hey, can we get the check? Thanks!”

What’s the craziest thing your family’s said? Tweet us @litdarling 

Elizabeth Umbrino

Elizabeth grew up in Palisades, NY, just 16 miles from the George Washington Bridge. She’s lived in Brooklyn for the past three years but continues to wonder if she’s allowed to call herself a “New Yorker.” She holds an M.F.A. in Design and Technology from Parsons The New School for Design. Elizabeth enjoys project runway, puppies of Instagram, and Venmo descriptions. Tweet to her at @eumbrino.
Elizabeth Umbrino

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