No, you did not time warp back to 2005, this is an article about UGGs: the sheepskin boots from Australia. And you know WHY I am writing about UGGs? Because they are still around. And you know WHY they are still around? Because they are comfortable as shit.
Everyone I have ever dated has unanimously condemned them, except one guy. You know all the arguments: they are ugly*, they are bulky, they’re slippers and shouldn’t be worn out of the house. The boyfriend who didn’t condemn them? He hated them until he tried mine on. And then he bought a pair.
Women are allowed very few comfortable pleasures. Did you ever stop to consider that it is literally impossible for women to store things in their jean pockets? We wear our jeans so tight that even a credit card it in peril of working its way out, not even considering the sexiness of the prominent outline of a square on your ass. Sure, yoga pants are great, but they are basically painted on your legs with nothing to hide and require a very tricky undergarment evaluation (I feel like most girls go commando? That just seems like a bad fluid situation). Seemingly elegant and breezy maxi dresses have their haters. We can’t have anything comfortable be stylish without someone complaining about it like it’s any of their goddamn business.
But we have our UGGs. Despite the general malice towards them, satisfy two very simple requirements for happiness: 1) They keep your feet toasty warm 2) They are comfortable as hell. They’re mostly what I see in the yoga studio locker room. The pregnant woman at my office wore UGGs all day err’ day. Even my friend’s mother, an intelligent and posh lady who thinks that the beach requires “light makeup,” owns a pair of sequined UGGs, which makes me feel better about my life choices. UGGs are ubiquitous because they are amazing. They do, however, require a somewhat significant financial investment, and you want the relationship with your UGGs to be meaningful for a long time. So here’s how to keep your UGGs in tip-top shape.
1. Keep them dry
Your UGGs are many things. A “fuck you” to the patriarchy. A warm hug for your feet. A savior when you wore uncomfortable high heels the night before and your arches feel as though they might actually snap in two. However, they are not waterproof. Do you know what wet sheep smell like? That is the smell that will permeate your space if wear your UGGs to slog through slush.
(Edit: there are some waterproof styles. Relatedly, I have realized there is a God.)
2. Use Scotchgard**
Eventually you will fail at the first step in UGG care, and your UGGs will get wet. Maybe you will be out, and a girl whose toes are being pinched by less comfortable shoes will cry her mascara onto your shoes. Mistakes happen to us all, and you just have to anticipate and be prepared. UGG also sells a branded product you can use (that is surprisingly cheaper?) but the point is, keep those unsightly spots at bay and show your UGGs you want this to be a forever relationship by spraying them with magic as soon as they come into your loving home.
There’s also some kind of bullshit you can do to clean them that involves conditioning and brushing them, I dunno, I don’t love my UGGs that much.
3. Wear socks with your UGGs. Always.
I know, I know. You want to luxuriate in the feeling of plush sheepskin against your bare soles. It’s cold anyway, it’s not like your naturally rose-scented feet will be sweating right?
Wrong. In addition to the added layer of coziness, wearing socks with your UGG boots is vital for their care. First, it keeps the inside of your UGGs from becoming the unsightly shade of brownish-grey associated with accumulation of dead skin cells. Second, I hate to break it to you but your feet smell. They just do. Socks will make sure that your UGGs do not provide a lingering reminder of this.
If worse comes to worst, you can save some money by purchasing replacement insoles for (some) UGGs, instead of buying a new pair.
4. Keep UGGs out of light and heat
Your UGGs shine bright enough on their own. Don’t let them fly too close to the flame, or they could get burned. No, seriously, sheep have wool to protect their skin from the elements, so too much light or heat will make the material crack and fade. But neither should you hide your UGGs within the depths of your closet, ashamed of their existence. Nay, wear them proudly and display them prominently within your home. Proclaim, “This is comfort, and I’ll be damned if you tell me it’s uncool!”
Sure, there may be other comfortable shoes out there. They may even have fuzzy insides. But they are not UGG boots, and never will be—there is only one brand made by effortlessly cool Australian surfers; one brand that is Oprah-approved; one brand that collaborated with Jimmy Choo, Rachel Zoe, and Tom Brady. Everyone loves having UGGs on their feet, so we might as well celebrate them.
*Wrong. There are some really cute styles! And you can CUSTOMIZE THEM!
**Some UGGs are pre-treated with Scotchgard. Whatever.
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