I made my boyfriend watch the 2005 “Pride & Prejudice” with me. It is a truth universally acknowledged that this is the greatest movie ever. I love it, most ardently. I was half agony, half hope in anticipation that he would love it too. It was all perfect…until I realized that like Darcy, my boyfriend is a bit of a dick.
1. Is that Jane Eyre?
2. Are those the Little Women?
3. Do you mind if we used closed captions? I want to eat my tacos.
4. Never mind, I can’t eat tacos in bed.
5. Ew, who’s the ginger? Why?
6. Oh, now I remember, Darcy is a dick.
7. Why are their teeth so good? This can’t be accurate.
8. I feel like the American Colonials had a much different reaction to the British militia marching through their town.
9. When did guys stop wearing fancy dress military uniforms to balls?
10. Did you know that George Washington was posthumously named a 7-star general so that no one could ever outrank him?
11. What a bitch.
12. God this dance makes me motion sick.
13. Wow Mr. Collins is short.
14. I’m in love with Mr. Collins.
15. Oh shit, I left a cucumber in my book bag.
16. Dude, Charlotte, just wait until some rich guy goes blind and then marry him.
17. Mr. Collins always looks like he’s about to cry or poop his pants.
18. Oh my God just bang already.
19. This isn’t fair, he has a low cut shirt and the music is swelling.
20. Jesus. What a babe.
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