Unless you were under a rock yesterday you heard that a prince was born! Yes, the Duke & Duchess of Cambridge welcomed their 8 lb 7oz darling boy at 4:24PM on July 22, 2013. Now as a proper Anglophile, I know you dream of traveling under gloomy skies and original Georgian architecture; take your tea hot and with cream, not milk, and know that if you want good television, you look across the pond.
But do you know how to properly celebrate the birth of the (once and) future king? Don’t worry, I’ve got you covered.
To start, I’m sure like everyone else, you already went a little nuts yesterday on Twitter:
It's a boy. The Half-Blood Prince has been born. #RoyalBaby
— Professor Snape (@_Snape_) July 22, 2013
IT'S ALIVE!!
— Mark Gatiss (@Markgatiss) July 22, 2013
Unless this boy decides he wants to be groundbreaking with kitten heels and headbands (and who knows), this is the biggest relief ever.
— Suri's Burn Book (@surisburnbook) July 22, 2013
Cameron on the phone. Says he'll be rushing out every single piece of bad Government news in the next five minutes. #RoyalBabyBoy
— Elizabeth Windsor (@Queen_UK) July 22, 2013
If you really want to commit though, the next step is to start drinking, and not stop until the baby’s name is released (at which point you take all the money you’ve put on George and go buy a ticket to London).
Since it’s summer time, skip the stodgy G&T and go straight for the 1820’s original Pimm’s Cup. Pimm’s No. 1 is a gin derivative and depending on your taste buds has a flavor sort of like ginger or licorice (no one really knows as the recipe is absurdly secret), and is mixed with ginger ale or 7-Up, mint, cucumber, and citrus wedges. 
But for God’s sake, if you’re going to be hitting Pimm’s-o-clock in honor of the new prince, you need to step up your game and make it a royal affair. So I bring you a LD exclusive:
The Princely Pimm’s Crown:
- Pimm’s No. 1
- San Pellegrino’s Pomello Grapefruit soda
- mint
- lemon wedges
- mixed berries
- cucumber slices (for garnish)
- ice
I don’t particularly believe in being precise, or you know, measuring in general, so I like to eyeball my liquor. It makes the end result far more interesting, and frankly Pimm’s has a low alcohol content. So whether you’re making it in a pitcher or a tall glass, think 1/3rd Pimm’s, 2/3rds soda.
Start with your Pimm’s and add in a heap of mint. No literally cover the bottom of the glass in mint. Toss in another heap of your favorite berries and muddle it all together (meaning: squish). Add ice and pour in the Pomello (if you don’t like grapefruit, Izee’s Clementine is delicious too) until you hit the top of the glass/pitcher, top with lemon or lime wedges. Voila. If you’re feeling like a traditionalist slice up some cucumbers; or daring – garnish with basil.
Proceed to drink them until infinity (if you really want to be authentic, turn off your AC while you do it).
(I know there should theoretically be food involved, but spare yourself. There’s indubitably not a good chip shop anywhere in your vicinity and unless you’re in the South no one knows how to make a good scone in the States, so save yourself the trouble and skip the authentic food.)
Step three, queue up the appropriate movies to celebrate the Windsor line (in chronological order of their line to the throne):
The King’s Speech: Colin Firth plays the newly crowned King George the II (Queen Elizabeth’s father). Now I said Colin Firth so I should have already had you convinced by this point. But in case you aren’t, he has a stutter and he’s a wartime president, so how does his unique speech therapist solve the problem? Singing and cursing of course.
The Queen: This one does double duty as you get QEII herself, as well as a nod to Prince Charles after the death of Princess Diana. Helen Mirren does an impeccable job of representing the “duty before all else” of a queen who spent her formative years before being crowned in the Auxiliary Territorial Service during the Second World War. Yup, her majesty drove lorries and worked as a mechanic, a fact that has a beautiful nod during the movie as she makes a snide comment and hops into a Land Rover Defender, and takes off with her dogs into the Scottish Highlands to brood think. 
If you’re not completely pissed by the time you get through these, queue up Will and Kate: A Royal Engagement. Having not seen it, I cannot speak to it’s, er… cinematic qualities, but it’s a Lifetime movie, so you should at least get some laughs at it.
At this point it’s probably time to sober up.
Put on the BBC World News and see if they’re still stopping random Americans on the street to get their opinion on what the royal baby means to foreigners. Pause and think of the fabulous answer you would give about how in America a president could have been born today and we’d never know it, and it’s so meaningful to be able to see a nation greet the birth of its future figurehead leader. Then admit to yourself you just hope he’s as hot as Harry and doesn’t inherit the family bald spot along with the crown.
While you’re still chuckling at your cleverness, turn on the kettle and pull out that Twinning’s or Whittard’s stash of Earl Grey that you’ve been cleaving to since your (or your more fortunate friend’s) return from England. Steep it far past the usual 2-3 minutes of brewing time, forgo the sugar, and skip the cream. Repeat until sober.
Last but not least, dig out your finest (or only) hat, pair of pearls/silk tie, dress yourself to the nines to hide your bloodshot eyes, and get your ass to work where you can obnoxiously regale friends and coworkers with your infinite knowledge of royal baby trivia such as these gems:
- Queen Elizabeth is the first sitting monarch to see a great-granchild born since Queen Victoria 120 years ago.
- If the Little Prince had been a princess, she would have been the first female monarch to be eligible for this year’s rule change to the succession after hundreds of years of primogeniture.
- Prince William receives two weeks paternity leave from his position as a search-and-rescue pilot in the RAF.
- The journalists who were assigned to cover the royal birth have been camped out for a month and were strictly ordered not to drink to be ready for the baby to come at any time.
And if you’re really smart, you’ll start placing bets on what absurdly ridiculous situation Prince Harry gets himself into now that he can take a big sigh of relief at Wills popping out an heir… or how much you’ll drop on the commemorative royal baby tea set you’re telling yourself you won’t buy (but really, shouldn’t you think of it as an investment?).
Tweet me @litdarling and tell me how you’re celebrating the royal baby!
