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Back to Basics: Dating for Women (I’m Going to Tell It to You Straight)

Back to Basics: Dating for Women (I’m Going to Tell It to You Straight)

Personally, I hate dating in general. If you’ve been lucky enough to “date” me, the first thing I probably told you is, “Don’t take me on a ‘date’.” I don’t know why, dating, especially first dates just give me the shudders and cold sweats.

Just because I’m a model doesn’t mean I’m a man-eating-bitch. It takes a while to nail me down. It’s cause it takes a LOT to impress me. Or maybe because I have to convince myself that the person is worth my effort, time, energy and love.

In this post I want to address the LADIES only.

Men, a post for you is coming soon, which means you can’t beat me up over what is written here. Cause I’m gonna be just as honest with you about the shit us girls do.

LADIES

GET YOUR SHIT TOGETHER.

Stop being so desperate for someone to make sweet eyes at you over your double bacon burger you ordered (because “Cosmopolitan” magazine said that men love a woman who can “handle her meat”) that you start listening to bullshit like it’s truth.

You shove away your God-given gift of a WOMAN’S INTUITION and start imagining what it will be like to move into his place. And your burger is still in front of you, at the same restaurant, on your FIRST date. Something is wrong here.

Good Lord, ladies! I know there is a big hoopla about loving your body “as-is” and embracing curves, etc. but I think a more important and practical hoopla should be raised – to start loving your personality, intelligence, talents, opinions, individuality and worth.

It’s when you stop loving your insides that you start needing to listen to the lies that men will tell you (sorry guys, bear with me while I give it straight to da ladies).

BREAK DOWN

#1. If you don’t love yourself (your brain, your personality, your heart, your soul, your opinions and worth and what you can contribute to the world) then you will leave it up to someone else to tell you what you are worth. Which means you’re probably gonna swoop on the first guy who bats an eyelash in your direction. And you’re gonna wonder why you keep getting cheated on and lied to.

Maybe it’s because you ignored your first instincts in order to have a sense of completion through another person. 

Let me let you in on a secret – you will NEVER be complete through someone else. NEVER. Pipe dreams ladies.

Believe me, if Ryan Gosling could solve all my life problems just by being my boyfriend, I’d promptly make him mine. But, that’d never happen.

#2. If you don’t even know who you are, then you won’t know what you love about yourself to begin with. This means you better take some time to figure that out. It’s fun, believe me!

It means complete freedom, completely free from the obligation to call, text, email, message someone, all your money goes those new Jeffrey Campbells you’ve had your eyes on, and you can flirt with those cute boys at the gym and not feel guilty!

Plus, you can take chances in your life.

Like traveling the world, living in another country, going to the university you want to go to, taking a new job in a different state, whatever. 

That is the beauty in being alone. If you constantly have someone attached to your hip (especially if they are the WRONG person) then you’ll never truly be able to live your way. And that in turn means you’ll never find out who you are.

 How to spot JERKS and WASTE-of-TIMERS 

Social Media Scoundrel

If he messages you on Facebook saying “Hey I never usually do this, but you’re just so beautiful that I had to say hello. :)”

He is a social media Cassanova. He probably stalks Facebook and Instagram and sends messages to a million girls hoping that one takes the bait. So just click delete and move on.

(Exceptions – I’ve met ONE, that’s right, ONE awesome dude through Facebook. We dated for a bit and he’s still awesome. And not creepy. That’s one in a million chance. And it took him 4 months to get a date with me, partly because I was out of the country… but still.)

Club Carnivore

If he picks you up at a club, wants to dance right away, pushes his gnar-gnar into your bum-bum and then asks for your number and somehow mysteriously disappears in the crowd. You can bet your bum-bum that he is off gathering ten other numbers. And probably taking one desperate broad home.

Confident Asshole

If he is cocky. Confidence is a turn on but if a guy is so into himself that he can’t look you in the eye for more than 2 seconds and he’s always scanning the room, then he could care less about you. Really.

Unless he’s 100% sure that you’re DTF, then and only then will you be the only one he sees, until the next morning, when he kicks you out. If you ever feel like you’re not being listened to when you first meet a guy, or if he seems distracted when talking to you, then you should probably “go to the bathroom” and just not return.

Pessimistic Poet

If he’s too sensitive. Women are suckers for emotional men. We have this image of a poet with a shaggy beard and a soy latte weeping into our laps and us comforting him and suddenly we are his hero, the only one he needs because, “No one else can understand him.” Yeah right.

These men usually have a sub-conscious need to undermine your womanly strength any chance they can get to make themselves feel better. I dated one and any time I was confident, happy, successful or otherwise enjoying my life, I would get told that I was not good enough – I didn’t love enough, didn’t clean enough, didn’t whatever enough. I began to hate myself because I didn’t understand how my love wasn’t enough. Because I loved him SO much. Eventually I realized I was becoming a shell of myself – a duplicate of him. That ended that. I still love this guy, always will, but there is something about a man with an overly vulnerable and sensitive heart that can be dangerous.

Just keep your ears and eyes open if you choose to fall in love with a sensitive man. As long as he is supportive of your happiness, not jealous or controlling and allows you your success in life, he’s a keeper, sensitive heart and all.

Mr. Effortless

If he doesn’t call when he says, if he disappears for days or weeks at a time, if he never plans what you do, basically this guy is L-A-Z-Y.

Stop being desperate for his attention and instead walk away and make him miss what he never had.

You should know you’re worth more than someone’s half-ass attention.

I have a friend who started dating his guy who just LOOKED like an asshole (thanks Instagram for allowing me to mildly stalk my friend’s love interests!) and at first everything was great, they spent a weekend together with a bunch of friends and went hiking, boating, basically had a great time. Then after a week or two, he started to slip off the face of the earth. She tells me this and I say to leave him alone and move on.

When NYE rolls around he comes back out of the blue and invites her to a party at a club in LA. and she agreed. She accidently bought the wrong ticket and when she called him to let him know and try to plan to fix the issue and meet up somewhere, he left her stranded. Literally. Outside the club. Alone. On NYE. I believe his words were, “Well it’s my friend’s birthday tonight too, and he’s first priority sooo…”

See Also

I find the Italian word for “dick-head” applicable here – CAZZO.

I picked her up and when she got in the car the first thing she said was, “I KNEW he was gonna be like this.” and I said, “Then why did you even go?”
“I don’t know,” she said, “I was hoping…”

NEVER HOPE. Look at the facts!

Life is not a Romance Novel. If he’s acting like an asshole then he IS one.

IN CONCLUSION 

Grow some balls

Don’t be blind

Don’t be desperate

Don’t pay his rent

Make him act like the man he is

Demand respect and give it in return

STUMBLING UPON MR. RIGHT 

RULE #1. Love yourself. Know who you are and be proud of it. You’re one of a kind.

RULE #2. Never overlook the nice guy. EVER.

RULE #3. Make it difficult to get to know you. Be busy living your amazing life.

RULE #4. No expectations. Let it happen naturally. Listen with your heart. Let your love be pure.

RULE #5. Stop playing games and please STOP READING COSMOPOLITAN MAGAZINE; Shit advice, if I’ve ever seen it.

 

Erin R

Copy Editor at Literally, Darling
Erin R. hails from Austin, Texas, and meandered through Houston, San Diego, and Milan before high-tailing back to the greatest state in the nation. Her interests include correct spelling and grammar, her adorable cat Shiloh (see #FloofWednesday), making poignant lists, and consorting with her troublemaker friends at bars on East 6th. She is seriously starting to freak out about growing up, but is looking forward to crankiness and sarcasm being more acceptable. For more writing, check out her website www.erinrussellwrites.com
Erin R
View Comments (4)
  • Love this: If he picks you up at a club, wants to dance right away, pushes his gnar-gnar into your bum-bum and then asks for your number and somehow mysteriously disappears in the crowd. You can bet your bum-bum that he is off gathering ten other numbers. And probably taking one desperate broad home.

  • Right on! I’m amazed that we do this to ourselves so much that we need advice like this, but I’m so glad someone said it so well!
    I’m just going to point out one thing: “Grow some balls” reminds me of the Betty White attributed quote “Why do people say ‘grow some balls?’ Balls are weak and sensitive. If you really wanna get tough, grow a vagina- those things can take a pounding!” (actually by comic Sheng Wang, apparently) I’d honestly say something more like “Get some guts” or “Have grit”… but I did grow up on old westerns, so maybe that’s just me :)

  • Extremely well written, partly what I have been trying to tell some people, but could never put it into words this well. “Love yourself. Know who you are and be proud of it. You’re one of a kind” Super :D

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