Just in case you were ever despairing that you were the most socially awkward person in the room, rest assured: The LD writers probably have you beat. And since we’re such giving people, we decided to share our day-in, day-out awkwardness in our new weekly column, “This Week in Awkward.” Sit back and enjoy reading through your fingers.
HOPE: “Half-Eaten Sandwich for Sale”
I was walking through an antique shop with my mother after lunch this weekend, and she was carrying her leftover chicken salad sandwich. As we went to leave, a man stands up and whisper-yells, “HEY YOU—GIMME THAT SANDWICH!” Thinking it’s a joke, we laugh and keep walking… ONLY TO BE PURSUED THROUGH THE STORE as the man tries to buy a half eaten sandwich off my mother, who then gets so flustered she starts saying, “No, no, take it! Take it! You can have it!” At which point he then backs down entirely and thinks she’s crazy for giving it to him. Meanwhile, Katie and I have fled the country.
KATIE: “No Diggity – No Pants”
I was singing “No Diggity” at the top of my lungs in my room (complete with the harmony) before realizing that the A/C repair guys are working in the room that connects directly to my vent and heard every off-key warbling of “I like the way you workkkkk it.” The same repairmen, I might add, who knocked on the door before 7 a.m. while I was still asleep, and, not wanting to get up, I sent a text message to my mother saying, “They’re here. I have no pants.”
ERIC: “Geriatric Book Club”
In a desperate attempt to talk to people outside my family, I decided that I would go to a book club meeting. I found out about it on Monday, read the book for Wednesday, and was really excited about it. Yeah, I figured it might be mostly old people (since it was the middle of the week at noon), but it’s summer, right? Maybe another twenty-something would be just bored enough to come. Nope. That didn’t happen. I walked in and it was literally me (young Hispanic male) and a bunch of old white ladies. Now, I’ve been in rooms where I’m the only guy. I’ve been in rooms where I’m the only person not receiving Social Security benefits. And I’ve been in rooms where I’ve been the only Latino. I’ve never been in a room where I’ve been all three. They were very nice (they kept trying to feed me cookies), but there was one point where the moderator stopped the conversation and asked me, specifically, what I thought of the book and what I thought of the book club. I’ve been put on the spot before, but never quite like that.
ELLA: “Freshman Sugar Rush”
I’m an RA at VCU for the freshmen class. There was a particular freshman—let’s name him George—whose ID wasn’t activated yet. These IDs are crucial because they serve as a key to get into and out of the residence halls. George is diabetic, and he was having a low-blood sugar crisis and needed to run into his room. However the security at the front desk would not let him through because his ID wasn’t activated. That’s when I come in (Super RA to the rescue?). As I am explaining the situation to the security desk, I am so nervous for George’s wellbeing! But it was then when I remembered that I had a Hershey’s Kiss in my bag. I figured it wouldn’t save George’s life, but it wouldn’t hurt him either! So, I offered him my Kiss and he said, “I can’t wait to tell everyone that the cute RA gave me a kiss.” Need I say more?
ANGELA: “Joey Tribbiani is Your Dad”
I was in the grocery store with my friend getting junk food for movie night. We were walking down the cookie aisle when a little cute girl sitting in a cart starts waving and making funny faces at me. Well, of course I am going to make funny faces back! As we get closer to her I wave back and say hello and smile. Well, her father thought I was saying hello to him, so he comes up to me and says “Hey, how you doing?” The man then tries to have a conversation with me, and my awkward self replies, “Sir, I was actually saying hi to your daughter.” His wife then proceeds to walk towards us and my friend and I make our escape. That’s the last time I wave to kids who are out with only their dads.
HANNAH: “A Very Harry Cry”
I was volunteering for an event when a little girl came up to me in tears because she’d lost her Harry Potter wand. Obviously this is an emergency, so my co-volunteers and I sprang into action. The lost and found was closed, so we ran to the staff room hoping to find something there. Just as we were about to walk back and tell the little girl she’d have to try again tomorrow, someone sticks their head into the room and asks if anyone is missing a wand. We grabbed it and ran back to the girl and her mom. As I walked towards them with her missing wand in hand, the little girl got so emotional she started sobbing and ran away. I started crying because I was so touched by this girl who loved her broken plastic wand so much, and then her mom started crying because we’d been so eager to help her daughter out. I could not stop crying for hours after the incident and everyone was like, “Hannah, it’s just a wand.”
How awkward was your week on a scale of the water cooler chats around the U.N. Security Council meeting and the media’s coverage of Miley Cyrus? Tweet us @litdarling
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