So how awkward was your week, on a scale from Tim Tebow’s release from the Patriots to Rob Pattinson not being cast to play “Edward” in “Fifty Shades of Grey?”
Our week had a couple of complete head-desk moments, so you should probably have a blanket to cower under as you wonder how anyone lets us out into polite society.[divider] [/divider]
KATIE: “There’s Something About Mary” Pants Edition
After doing my morning face wash routine, I squeezed my white, creamy, slightly translucent lotion a bit too hard, but I thought I’d caught the majority of it. I slathered it on my face and went about my day taking the dog for a walk. Little did I realize (until I returned home), that I’d been walking around the neighborhood with a big old gooey white spot strategically placed (and oozing) on the front of my sweatpants. And for the record, yes: I HAD stopped to speak to neighbors.
AMY: A (Not-So) Super Sleuth
I work for a British coffee chain called Costa, and I had some errands to run in town before work. I had some money on my Starbucks card, so I casually walked into the shop despite the very long queue. I had taken about four steps in before I remembered I was wearing my (very distinctive) work uniform with “BARISTA” stamped in the Costa font all across my back. By the time I realised this, I had gone too far in to turn back, so I braced myself and joined the line. I left the shop after being laughed at by everyone I made eye contact with, not least the barista, who looked at me like I was openly cheating on my boyfriend and asked if I was there to spy on them. If that had been the case, I doubt I’d be employed by MI5 any time soon. Stealth level = zero. But oh my: that skinny hazelnut latte was worth the humiliation.
HALEY: Can I Take Your Order?
I was paying for my morning Starbucks when the older lady behind me in line (who had been standing just a few inches too close to me for the last five minutes, anyway, so she was already on thin ice) got up to the second register. The barista asked her what she wanted, to which she replied (loudly), “JUDY.” He blinked, looked at her a minute, and said, “What can I get for you today?” She then leaned over the counter to get closer to him (because I think she actually thought he didn’t understand her the first time, and apparently closeness is a thing for her) and said it again: “JUDY.” By this point, the five or six people behind her in line and all the baristas have half-stopped what they’re doing to look at her, and I’m trying so hard not to laugh. The barista said, “M’am, thanks for telling me your name, but I have to know what you want so I know what kind of cup to write ‘Judy’ on.” The lady just said, “Oh! Tall coffee,” and paid and went on her way. She had no idea she was doing it wrong. It was awesome.
HOPE: Operatic Roommate Bashing
I came home after class and realized that I hadn’t cleaned any of my dishes for practically the last three days. My roommate would kill me if I didn’t clean them soon, so I set to it, rinsing and washing… and singing about my hatred for said roommate. I got through about three verses of my operatic bashing before one of the bedroom doors opened… and the roommate walked out.
ERIC: Fifty Shades of Geriatric
I went to my monthly book club, the one with mostly older women. This month’s book? “Fifty Shades of Grey.” One woman commenced talking about how women sometimes like to be dominated and how fun rough sex can be. I blushed so severely I thought I would give everyone in the room radiation poisoning.[divider] [/divider]
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