By Olivia Dolphin
No, but really.
1. Lists are feeding into the Internet’s natural skimming process.
Pretty soon the Internet will just be a giant picture board of cats, vegetarian recipes, and people misusing memes. Oh wait, we have Pinterest and Tumblr for that. Because killing books wasn’t bad enough, the Internet has to kill itself, too.
2. You know how in Word when you don’t really want to make a list but Word assumes you do so it just does it for you anyways?
Stop doing it for me. I can organize your thoughts afterward, don’t you worry.
3. I don’t even think you wrote the article first, I think you picked a random number and attempted to come up with that many reasons or things to include in your list.
Like when I want to nuke something in the microwave. Forty seconds is so mainstream and predictable. Give me 47 seconds so I feel adventurous. Or if I’m feeling cautious because last week I burnt the roof of my mouth on pizza—23 seconds, and maybe a second go in the microwave. Sorry I’m not sorry, but “26 Signs Your Job is Taking Over Your Life” sounds like a stretch.
4. After you’ve made your point, I don’t care about the rest.
Your little paragraph of missed-the-mark humor or wit doesn’t hold any value. You’ve bolded your point and put a number next to it for my little brain to comprehend and put it above everything else. I don’t need much more than that, hate to tell you.
5. The Internet looks like a numerologist.
If there’s anything I hate more than math, it’s mythical lore attached to numbers. And if there’s anything I hate more than that, it’s random numbers attached to a random collection of examples illustrating why you shouldn’t be allowed to have a computer.
6) If you start your list using this format: “10.” you better be sure as hell your entire list is that way.
Do not switch to “10)” somewhere along the way because I’m already pissed at you for writing another list article and pissed at myself for choosing to read it. Have some respect.
7. Unless it’s a list of Jennifer Lawrence GIFs and quotes, I simply don’t care.
Will also accept “7,493 Reasons Everyone Needs to Binge Watch ‘The West Wing’ Right Now”
Current musician, and Harry Potter Convention Coordinator. Future Publisher. Headed to the Tosche Station as soon as I finish writing.