Tis the New Year! A time for new beginnings, new resolutions, and a whole 365 days to be awkward! So buckle in for the first round of awkward stories from the new year!
Lindsey: Still Single
The holidays are a time for family and old friends to ask the question, “Are you still single?” I understand everyone wants to know and as much as I hate having to say over and over again that yes, I am still single I tell them because I believe what they are really asking is, “Are you still happy?” I recently began doing some freelance editing work for an older lady, and she has a hard time remembering things. So the other day she asks me if I have a boyfriend. To which I reply, “Nope, not right now.” A couple hours pass and then I hear her say, “Lindsey, do you have a boyfriend?” Now, I have no problem answering this question once, after a while it’s just a reminder. But she’s older, so asking twice is OK. Then came the third and fourth repeats of “Do you have a boyfriend?” To which, I angrily replied, “NO, I’m STILL SINGLE.” Then she says, “Oh, well, we’ll have to take an ad in the paper.” Like it wasn’t already sad enough that I had to repeat over and over again that I’m single, now I’m so desperate we’re reaching out to the general populace. *SIGH*
Kelsey: What Inhibition?
Until very recently I was not a consumer of alcoholic beverages—mostly because of the calories in them, which frankly kind of freak me out. Well at the dinner I wrote of in this awkward post I determinedly tried out wine (again) and conquered it. I was all, “Yes, I can partake in this pastime with my fellow twenty-somethings!” Well, in the time-honored tradition of New Year’s Eve I had bought two bottles of wine, and was quite proud of myself because the liquor store was very intimidating. The first bottle I had miraculously consumed the entirety of on December 30th and enjoyed the consequences of my inebriation. Thank gawd I was safely ensconced in my apartment or else who knows what would have happened in public. You think I would have learned my lesson. But no, we had to try again on the 31st to NOT drink the entire bottle. Yet what happens again? I drink the ENTIRE bottle and sent these sorts of messages to my friends and at one point was crying/laughing: “Alcohol is meant to be danced off.” “Not telling people that you want to have sex with them.” “I like boys They’re nice.” “Screw my family.” “I should just get on birth control and dance all night in clubs.” “My family sucks.” “YOLO YOLO YOLO.” “I think I’m a very promiscuous person in my head.” “Good thing I’m safely in my apartment. Or else I’d end up gods know where.” “Maybe I’ll move to Canada. Or near there. Where people count condoms instead of denying their existence.”
That’s right, read and laugh. Just know that I woke up in the morning appalled and vowing to talk to my therapist about this alcohol thing. Because THAT can never happen again.
Katie: A Porny Christmas
So the day the family went to go get our Christmas tree it was idyllic, we took the puppy, it started snowing, there was popcorn and hot chocolate and was all together a way too normal experience for it to have occurred in my family. Naturally when we got home to drop off the pup and head out for dinner, it all had to turn crushingly awkward. Dad sat down for a pre-dinner bourbon and ginger and what happened to be on Hallmark at that moment? “The Good Witch.” A truly terrible movie about a maybe-witch who moves to a small town, is a bit weird, a whole lot of awkward and is ostracized. She also happens to be played by Catherine Bell of former “JAG” and “Army Wives” fame. My father was instantly hooked and after a bit starts professing, “You know she is a beautiful woman. There is just something so pure about her looks. She might be one of the prettiest actresses I’ve ever seen.” At which point, my stomach is rumbling, I’m cold, and I want to go out to dinner so I announced, “You know she’s a porn star, right?” And he was instantly aghast, then curious and with a side of haughty disbelief. “How do you know?” I reply. “I woke up like 15 years ago to see her hardcore screwing up against the wall on SkineMax and looked it up then.” He denies it again, “Surely that was someone else.” Naturally I Google it, check the images and bam—proof positive, which I tell him. “What? No! Let me see!” “No Dad I’m not showing you porn.” Instantly he’s reaching for his phone, “Fine I’ll look it up myself… HOLY SHIT…. well she is gorgeous.” Thinking I’d won this round and we wouldn’t have to watch the terrible movie, I stood up to go out, only to have him hit the TV Guide and say, “Look! There are four more ‘Good Witch’ movies on!”[divider] [/divider]