As a writer on the Internet, trying to title your work so that it will be easily found by Google, fully SEO-optimized, and instantly catch your attention in the 10 seconds people scan headlines is like drowning your soul in a vat of burning oil. Where in print you would name your article about commitment phobia something gloriously abstract like, “One Day I’ll Fly Away,” if you want it to be found, it has to be changed to “Twenty-Something with Commitment Phobia Hates Her Job.” It’s definitely the literal interpretation, but it takes a little bit of the art out of writing.
With that in mind, I thought about how the face of literature would change if popular books titles were rewritten for the Internet. The results are not pretty, though it would make book browsing infinitely easier….
Self-Loathing Architect Hates Society
Insecure Teen Has Vampiric Sexual Fantasies
Loathsome Self-Involved Rich People Partying in the 1920s
Industrial Revolution Ruins Life of Orphan
Nosey Wizard Boy Can’t Die, Causes Mischief
Russian Pedophile Sexually Obsessed With Tween
Hobo Greek Man Rants About Life
Narcissist Acquires Magic Painting
Ruling People Through Fear (And Maybe Not Dying)
Gay Victorian Detective Duo Play Cops And Robbers in London
Angsty Teen Couple Kills Themselves For No Reason
You’re Fucked if You Do, You’re Fucked if You Don’t
Vikings Get Shit Done
Sulky Man and Sassy Woman Bicker Excessively
Shipwrecked Kid Hallucinating
Delusional Teen Swears A Lot in Manhattan
Cock-blocked Rabbits Freak Out and Seek Mates
The War of the Roses with Dragons and Zombies
Your Brain on Drugs
Barnyard Communism
Teen Girl Gets PTSD from Gladiator Games in Dystopian Society
