Navigating the interwebs as a female twenty-something can be treacherous journey. From arguments about feminist issues, threats, harassment and everything unpleasant we face, something as fun as online dating should be a welcome relief from the barrage of shit we normally face. But, alas, it’s not.
As someone who introduced her friends to Tinder, I feel like I should take some responsibility; it’s a freaky place. Guys (thanks to the new “moments” feature) can send *`~*penis picz*`~* in a flash and can send the most vile crap in the world with no consequences. But, with that experience comes wisdom. I have found some strategies that are both fun and effective to evade sexting stereotypical “straight white boys” (plus, reading bad Tinder convos is my guilty pleasure. I’m sending what I normally text my best friends to you!).
Now, quick preface: Not all these guys have told me they are straight, some are not white and I’ve not checked their gender identity, but read the Tumblr linked above and you’ll see it’s a lifestyle, not a gender/race. Also I swear I’m not a slut-shamer and all these guys’ identities are protected. Cool? Cool. Let’s go.
1. Confuse them with your big words
They’re not used to much beyond the lines of, “Yes, person I spoke to once on the Internet, I will allow you into my personal residence to fornicate with me.” So, it should be easy to confuse them.
Again, they’re not very bright and cavorting with us women-folk on Tinder all day is just so exhausting and thankless. Be sure to thank them for being the upstanding gents they are. It will, again, confuse.
3. Act Dumb
You can easily be on their level, just ask stupid questions and chances are, they will get a little too confused and flustered to keep going.
4. Ignore them
I know, we all know our baby boxes are ticking so ignoring a suitor is hard, but sometimes it’s the easiest way to go. I know he seemed like such a gem, but something told me I should just let it go.
5. Voice your dissapointment
Because in all seriousness, c’mon.
6. Move quickly
When someone commits to you, you jump on that boy faster than butter on toast. Princeton mom would be proud.
7. Teach them something
Mother always said everything is a chance to learn something new. Treat him to that and he will be yours!
8. I can’t even joke about this one
Like, this is the world that we live in.
9. Express Concern
Boys basically marry their mothers so, express that you are concerned for their well-being upfront.
10. Allow them to be their glorious selves
Sometimes something so perfect needs no response.
11. Associate them with their brethren
Boys join frats and the Elks club to gain this type of community. I’m simply doing them a service by connecting them with like-minded individuals.
As you can tell, I’ve had great success with Tinder so far, so I expect lots of baby shower and wedding invites if you take my advice. Xoxo.
