Twenty-Something Tuesday

Last week we recounted ways to defer questions about your singleness, and got our rallying cry at enjoyment of the single life. But is there anything worse than only seeing pieces about how being single is so great or, vice versa, that a relationship is what all the cool kids are doing? Therefore, to even the score, this Twenty-Something Tuesday, we’re bringing you the unexpected perks to having a significant other, though only ones that exclude super sappy shit that reads like tragic Hallmark cards.

• Only dealing with Tinder as a spectator sport, and not having to acknowledge that these people are just as single as you.

• Those rare times where you come across and enjoy some weird-ass show together and it becomes your thing. My ex and I used to cuddle up to “America’s Best Dance Crew.”

• You’ll take your weirdness game to a whole new level.

• Burping contests.

• Always having an accomplice in your evil schemes.

• Well if someone else is going to order dessert, it would be rude for you not to…

• An always-available escape plan. When a friend’s wife has been talking about herself for an hour, three blinks to my partner and all of a sudden he is feeling under the weather and we’re outta there.

• And to go with the above—the ability to make up conflicts that your S.O. has so you can flake on something you don’t want to go to without just admitting that you don’t want to go. Ex: “Oh, I would totally go to that, but my boyfriend’s uncle/grandma/whoever is in town, so I can’t. Sorrrrrry……..”

• Who else can you split rent with on a one bedroom apartment?

• A standing plus one at those dreadful work events to whom you can dish on all the office gossip.

• Going out to eat and being able to order the entire menu, because we both love to share 20 dishes rather than eat our own.

• Proofreading each other’s work. Because peer reviews are the worst.

• Getting the other one to read the same book, watch the same show/movie, so you have someone to talk about it with.

• Cuddles forever.

• Not always having to make your own dinner, or rely on takeout. Because, cooking for one sucks.

• Having someone to sleep closest to the door, therefore, if an intruder attacks, he will give us both a better chance of survival, since my only weapon of defense is a deafening scream and a paperback book.

• Having someone talk you out of that tequila shot because they know you will think you have turned into a good dancer and, well, you haven’t.

• Having someone to grab you toilet paper from the other bathroom.

• Having that one person to make your coffee in the morning because we all know that you’re groggy, still-asleep, non-caffeinated brain just “can’t even right now.”

• Having someone else available to walk the dog when it’s raining/you’re tired/you’re wearing shorty pajama pants and they’re wearing sweats.

• Having someone else to get up and turn off the light after you’re both in bed. They’re closer anyway.

• Motherf*cking back scratches. Yaasssss.

• Having someone take the dog out in the can’t-see-shit dark after watching a scary movie.

• “Well, I mean, if you’re out, I’d really love a chimichanga with extra queso and a smoothie—ooooh where can you get cake?”

• “Oh, if you’re making a smoothie, can you make one for me too? With extra strawberries?”

• Having someone who consistently enables your inner nerd. “No, please talk about James Joyce for another twenty minutes. I’m genuinely interested!”

• Sharing a CD collection.

• Getting all of their nicer things when you move in together —you mean, I don’t have to have a tube TV anymore?!

• Being added pro-bono onto their Netflix account because they’re cool like that.

• Having a live-in heater to snuggle against when you’re a cold-blooded humanoid.

• Having someone who, when you’re drunk, assures you that within the bounds of your home you are definitely a good dancer.

• Having someone on your advisor-hating team to say, “Yes, she really is awful,” but then also kicking your ass when you still have to get work done.

• Someone to send you random gifts (ahem waffle iron) because they alone know how deep your passion for breakfast foods really goes.

• Someone to make you laugh by singing a song in Klingon.

• Someone to whom you can confess your quasi-secret love of romantic comedies to without fear of being laughed at (from one of the boyfriends).

• Having someone to explore with, but without any pressure to stay out. If you’re tired, you can just head back home and pop on Netflix!

• Someone who you can talk to in order to keep your sanity while dealing with annoying relatives.

• Having someone to get really excited about ordinary things with, such as, your homemade spaghetti for dinner or hot coffee during a snowstorm.

• Having a built in taste-tester for new (and sometimes crazy) recipes.

• Someone who genuinely enjoys and appreciates your selfies like the fine art they are.

• Someone who can still find you (somewhat) attractive even when you’re allergy-ridden and constantly blowing your nose.

• Someone to backseat drive while you play your favorite video game.