I’m Not A Chill Girl

There’s a lot that I admire about people I meet. Not just my friends, but people that encounter in my daily life—baristas, partners in group projects, my friends’ friends—that all possess qualities that I would love to have. Some are gorgeous, others are talented, and some of those assholes are even both. But, there is one specific type of lady that I will never understand and I know that I will never be—the chill girl.

The chill girl is some manifestation of manic pixie dream girl, without the manic. She rocks white t-shirts and leggings nearly as a uniform—when she’s not rocking the homemade tie-dye that comes out like Jesus himself had screen-printed it. She doesn’t yet have a major or it’s probably something like ethical farming practices or anything that is going to make the world a better place, but still allow her a life. Chill people say they don’t care about politics and totally mean it—and people applaud them for it. Because, like, who actually needs it, right? It sounds so good when they say it! People applaud lots of what she does because she’s such a chill nice girl that really nothing about her makes you feel at all uneasy. I guess her male counterpart would be a surfer or a painting teacher.

I, unfortunately, was not born with this set of traits. I’m a nice person… I swear. But, my voice is naturally a scream—I’m shushed daily, probably hourly. I must be in a constant state of running because I’m always falling over my own two feet. I worry constantly about my career and trust me—you will know how I feel about politics. My voice is usually hoarse from screaming Beyoncé lyrics and I have a temper.

I beat myself up sometimes because I know a lot of these types of ladies and gents in passing and I know nothing is wrong with either of us, but I still find myself trying to bring my (energy) level down to theirs. I try to make less manic facial expressions and not correct the random drunk dude in the bar’s assumptions about the Hobby Lobby ruling (birth control dosage does not need to be upped because a woman has multiple sexual partners and, plus, the ruling was more about corporations’ religious rights, okkaaaaay?!). I feel my friends cringe when I get into it with people or can’t let things go.

How do you do it, chill people? How do you take things with a grain of salt when I can’t help but feel like taking things with an entire salt lick? How do you remain ethereal when walking into a Trader Joe’s directly after work ends?

I like to think that my manic ways make me who I am, but it would be nice to… I dunno… get a breather from my own personality sometimes. I’ve tried yoga and meditation, but I have this irrational fear of guided meditations that I find on the Internet because I think someone is going “Rickroll” me or yell in the middle as a joke. You can tell I don’t think much of people, huh?

It’s pretty safe to say that no one will ever compliment me on my ability to be “chill” and “kick it,” mostly because I have no idea what it means to do that. I told my friend today that I believe that if I’m stagnant, I’ll die. But then I realized that is not me, that is sharks.

So, chill people of the world, I salute you. Enjoy your world of green tea, fair trade kombucha and “chill vibes.” I’d envy you, but I’m probably too busy trying to pass the slow person on the subway platform.