We run into them everyday: the people on the train, at work, at Target, on the sidewalk, who are just the worst possible version of themselves. Sometimes it’s a little thing they do that bugs just us, and sometimes it’s a blatant social sin that has everyone rolling their eyes. You’re not alone in your discomfort and irritation. Here are some signs that someone is the absolute worst person ever.
1. They walk really, really slowly on a crowded sidewalk. Bonus points if they’re staring at their phone the whole time.
2. They get really close to you in line. They’re literally about to breathe down your neck in line at the Whole Foods and you’re like PLEASE CAN YOU NOT.
3. They clearly have never heard of a toothbrush or a breath mint. Please just take your hot-dog water, mothball breath home, thanks.
4. They lie about movies/shows/books they’re really not familiar with. If you haven’t seen the movie we’re talking about, it’s OK! We might even lend it to you if you just own up to it. Just don’t randomly agree with everything we say, because we might end up eventually just lying to you and then laughing at you when you agree with a blatant falsehood about “Harry Potter.”
5. They are rude to waitstaff. Undertipping for no reason = bad human.
6. They link to anything from UpWorthy. Can you just not?
7. They are mean to animals. Yelling at their dog, chasing squirrels, whatever.
8. They identify themselves as homophobic. You might as well be racist while you’re at it.
9. They eat with their mouth open. We don’t need to know what your food looks like while you’re chewing it.
10. They don’t cover their mouths when they cough and/or sneeze. If you care, don’t share your germs. We all breathe the same air.
11. They think they know everything there is to know about politics. Everyone is entitled to their own opinion. Everyone. Not just your own opinion, but everyone’s else’s too.
12. They talk too loudly. We hear you loud and clear!
13. They’re negative Nancys. OK, maybe this is a list of complaints, but we promise you that there’s more to life than just the things that bother you or go wrong.
14. They’re constantly trying to prove something. No one asked you to prove yourself. If you can name every single country in this big, fat world, good for you!
15. They can’t be happy for their friends. If someone can’t share the joy of people they “care about,” they are flat out shitty.
16. They are casually sexist. Yes, please air out all your weird engrained sexism so that we know to actively avoid you.
17. They play with their phones when you are speaking directly to them. Excuse me, are you listening? Are you busy? What’s going on that’s so much more interesting?
18. They don’t say “bless you” when you sneeze. Like seriously… it’s basic politeness, people.
19. They say they love Harry Potter, but “haven’t read the books.” SACRILEGE.
20. They are more concerned with getting a picture of the night than actually enjoying it. Just stahp already.
21. When they post a Facebook status for EVERY “important” moment in their lives (new job, mission trip, dean’s list, etc). We get it, you’re, like, really good at life. Shh.
22. When they DON’T DO THEIR OWN DISHES AND LEAVE THEM FOR YOU EVERY WEEK. Like, why. You’re basically saying that your time is more valuable than mine, so it’s okay to leave me with your dishes because you’re too “busy.” NOBODY IS TOO BUSY FOR DISHES.
23. They lean their seat all the way back on an airplane. This does not get you any more room. Everyone is silently hating you so much right now.
24. Their favorite band is Nickleback. Nothing else needs to be said for this.
25. They ask for your advice only to do the exact opposite. We’ve all had this “friend” that is constantly in some state of crisis and desperately needs your advice… only to completely ignore it.
26. Their guests treat you rudely. Roommates with annoying friends can GTFO. Don’t bring jerks to the house, man.
27. They don’t use their blinker in traffic. You’re making a right-hand turn? I forgot how hard it is to signal your intentions in a car. Oh wait, it’s not.
28. They take up too much space on public transportation. I’m looking at you, 6’6” guy swinging wildly by the handles on the bus.
29. They don’t clean out their cat’s litterbox regularly. Your nose might be immune to the noxious smell of ammonia from decaying pee, but for the rest of us it’s just nasty.
30. They directly, or indirectly, food shame you. Oh, you want a skinny margarita (without salt) and steamed veggies in a tortilla? Don’t you dare make me feel like a slovenly individual for enjoying my cheese-smothered chimichanga. Bitch, please.
31. They’re rape apologists or MRAs (Men’s Rights Activists). These seem to solely exist to troll anyone who tweets with #feminist and they’re literally the scum of the earth. Just block and report spam—they’re beyond reasoning with.
32. They post mushy shit to, or about, their significant other on social media. You know that advice about PDA? Don’t do it. We all gag. Get a room where you can sit side by side and message each other privately.
33. They refer to red lipstick as “whore lipstick.” Um, I’m sorry, but red lips are flawless and classy as hell. We’re sorry that it makes you feel insecure, but you don’t get to project your shit onto our makeup routine.
34. They leave their unwrapped period-stained pads and tampons in the trash. GROSS, wrap that stuff up, sister. Oh, and it SMELLS. Nobody wants to see or smell that.
35. They make fun of you for loving Disney. GET OUT. We’re allowed to enjoy the simple things in life, and we’ll sing along with “Let It Go” as much as we like.
36. They hate on Beyonce. What do you have to offer compared to her queenly talent, beauty and work ethic, you pathetic plebian?
Natalie is, despite her best efforts, somewhat of an adult. Ish. A resident of the San Francisco Bay Area, a film student at UC Santa Cruz, and an avid Harry Potter fan, Natalie spends too much time on the internet avoiding major responsibilities. Unless it's baseball season. Beneath snark and sarcasm lies a proud feminist with a sailor's mouth and the occasionally witty and/or intelligent remark. Or so she hopes.
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