Sometimes, all it takes to ruin your day is one horrifying mishap that appears frustratingly minor to anyone you complain to. But you know and we at LD know, that sometimes the universe just conspires against you, in hopes of drowning you in awkward rage. Here are the stories of some of the worst things that happened to us.
1. Netflix crapped out just when my roommates began having very loud and expressive sex.
Seriously, my boyfriend and I had just started an episode of “Twin Peaks” to try to drown out the lusty moans and our Internet just stopped. And it didn’t come back on until long after they were finished. So there we were, sitting in bed, trying desperately to reload Netflix with increasing amounts of disgust and cringing until Agent Cooper and co. returned to us.
2. I accidentally farted on my boyfriend TWICE during sex.
It was far too early in our relationship for it to be okay. We both pretended it didn’t happen but we both knew. We still haven’t talked about it.
3. My dog greeted my new neighbors with not one, but two excretions.
The new neighbors stopped by to introduce themselves right as the 15 year old incontinent dog flooded the porch with piss, then stood up, walked 5 feet onto the deck in front of the gate and took a massive poop. Welcome to the neighborhood!
4. I clocked a hot guy in a club and, taking the last gulp of my drink, I went to introduce myself. Turns out he was forty and had his son with him. He also had a girlfriend.
(I went home with his son that night).
5. I forgot my (ex) boyfriend’s name on our first date.
6. My boyfriend and I went into the store to buy groceries and, 45 minutes later, came back to the car to find the key still in the ignition and the engine still running.
We fucked up.
7. I had a.. er.. Poo journal, where I used to write details about my bowel movements to see how exercise, water, and food affects me (only did it a few days).
Being a genius I left it lying around on my table, as I started using it to write things about class and stuff. One day had friends over, and they started reading it! “Poo – 1 big, 1 medium. What the..?” I was embarrassed for days and pretended it was for my roommate’s sister.
8. I didn’t pass the Windex test.
I went over to a neighbor’s house to visit and chat. After a while, I wanted to go out in their backyard to play around with their dogs. I walked over to their sliding glass door, and thinking it was open, continued to briskly walk. The glass door must have been really, really clean, as it was actually shut, and I got a big bruise on my forehead. We all laughed it off, but I was crying on the inside.
9. I locked myself on my balcony.
Two and half months into the fall semester, and my attendance was flawless in a majority of my classes (I’m not going to pretend this applies to every class I’m taking haha). Anyway, I had about 15 minutes to kill until my next class. I was in my apartment, it was a nice day out, and I thought to myself, “Why not burn time by enjoying the weather on the balcony?” Well that turned into me being locked out of my apartment and stuck on my balcony for a solid hour… I not only missed class but I missed any pride I could still have after I posted a picture to prove it happened.
10. I accidentally exposed my stalker ways to my ex’s new love interest.
Note to self: If you’re going to creep on the girl your ex (or ex-almost/could have been/had the most potential I’ve had in a long time) is currently talking to, please don’t do it with a cracked iPhone screen! Let’s just say I accidentally clicked the “follow” button, which led to her following me back, which led to a major freak out because she either knows of me or is thinking I’m a complete stranger… which I honestly am. Instead of instantly unfollowing her, what did I do? I messaged her and came up with one of my worst lies to date. I told her I meant to follow someone else with the same name and realized that she wasn’t the person I was looking for. This is why exes belong in the past.
11. I made a horrifyingly lame dad joke in front of a cute guy.
There’s this cute server I work with. I’m the new girl at the restaurant and I want people to get to know me, especially since the staff is very close. Well, there was this one instance where me and cute server boy were in the kitchen alone. He always tries to strike up conversation with me when I’m at my most flustered, go figure. Anyway, I wanted to say more than, “I’m good, how about you?” Oh, I definitely did that. I told him the worst of dad jokes—how attractive, right? This is how it went, “Hey [insert cute server boy’s name here], why are weekends so strong? … Because every other day is a WEEK day.” He still laughed but I was mortified and I haven’t made eye contact with him since.
12. I got a nasty comment in an ice cream shop, but my friend got the sympathetic free scoop of ice cream.
I was celebrating the end of a hard week with some friends by getting ice cream downtown. While perusing the case of flavors, I heard someone mumble something behind me. I turned around to find a fifty-year-old man in a tank top who repeated: “I bet I taste better than that ice cream… Wanna bite?” And this wasn’t even what irked me. What did was the fact that my friend got an extra free scoop even though I was the one who’d been harassed in the shop. Where is the justice?
Got any everyday horror stories to share with us? Tweet us at @litdarling to share your embarrassing secrets! (Come on, do it.)
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