This Is The Sound Of Your Unhappiness

Sometimes unhappiness can reverberate through your body like a drum, echoing through your limbs until it pounds your mind into submission with its percussive refrain:

This cannot continue.

You have to stop this.

We must make this better.

It beats away logic and rationality, leaving only frail and tattered emotions in its wake whispering terrible advice and rash actions. It carves away anything that isn’t frustration, anger, and despair and fills in those spaces with the sound of buzzsaw promises that anything has to be better than this.

It’s an ever-present companion who won’t stay buried, who whisks away ease and affability with a burning rage. It is your ever-obfuscating foe who distorts each glimpse into the future with haziness and uncertainty. You are forever standing on your toes, posed to tip over the threshold in a freefall into the unknown, doing all you can to stay upright while the present berates you.

Every effort is exhausted running full tilt into the wind just to stand still. You fight, you strive, you never, ever, ever give up. You build and create, you play and participate in life. You are not cowering under covers letting the world swallow you whole. There isn’t a desire to end your life or push friends and family away, and yet this deep unease will not abate.

All you know is there is something in your life poisoning your happiness; keeping you from moving forward no matter how many steps you’ve taken to get where you are now. You don’t know how to fix it, how to surgically cut it out and find what will heal it. You wrack your mind for the source of the problem; you’re employed, you’re financially stable, have friends and family, a support system, interests and animals. You have all your boxes checked on your to-do list for life.

This time though the drum beats on, a constant rat-a-tat-tat that this too is not passing. That the daily stress and frustrations will not wane, your mind will not quiet, and all you see, all you hear is:

Something’s got to give.

And your deepest fear is that something is you.

These seeds of unrest have been sewn so deeply inside that it will take a mighty force, more powerful than even your will, to change things. Running in place is only  exhausting you. It’s time to stop. Time to fall. To leap head first into the unknown and hope the vertigo on the way down knocks you out off this path.

It’s time to let go, to drop the reins on your iron will and accept that there will always be portions of your life outside of your control. Slow down and enjoy the fall with out the panic and paranoia of the unknown. Give in to what every fibre of your being is telling you and let things change.

As you said yourself, anything’s got to be better than this, even you.