1. So do I start at the Nike website? OK, sure.
2. …But like, do I have to have Nikes? Is that cliche of me?
3. No, Nikes aren’t cliche, right? They’re a legitimate brand.
4. Right, but everyone has Nikes. Is it basic to have Nikes?
5. I think it’s basic to have Nikes now.
6. I meeeeean… I keep fast food napkins in my glove compartment. I’m pretty much already basic.
7. OK, Nikes it is.
8. There are approximately 87 types of Nike sneaker categories on this website, apparently.
9. Are running shoes like, the typical kind of Nike shoe people wear?
10. I call them “tennis shoes” but I think that’s a regional dialect thing?
11. I think I saw a chart or quiz or something in the “New York Times” about that once.
12. I’m going to go find that thing.
13. OK, I literally just took that entire 25-question quiz and it didn’t say anything about tennis shoes.
14. But!!! It did guess correctly that I’m from Alabama. That’s so neat.
15. Y’all. NASCAR. Beer. Roll Tide. Bama.
16. OK, back to shopping.
17. I’m going to look at the running shoes category. I run sometimes (lol).
18. Literally so many shoes.
19. Why do they possibly need this many choices? This seems ridiculous.
20. OK, I’m going to weed out the cleats and such using a fancy filter. Don’t need no cleats.
21. I had cleats once, when I played soccer.
22. OK, when I played four games of soccer and then quit because I missed three corner kicks in a row. RIP soccer career.
23. The only time cleats would be useful in my life now is to kick someone and injure them.
24. Maybe I should leave the cleats on there, then? I meeeeean.
25. OK, no, no cleats. There’s no way that could end well.
26. I just really don’t feel comfortable spending like, $150 on these shoes that aren’t going to match anything I own.
27. But I feel like that’s the point, right? They aren’t supposed to match?
28. I feel like it’s a fashionable thing now to have athletic shoes that don’t match.
29. I just know that when I was a kid, all my shoes had to be white so they matched everything.
30. Remember that one time I made Dad take the little beads off the shoelaces because they wouldn’t match every article of clothing I owned?
31. *makes note to text Dad later and tell him that*
32. Wait. What if I actually don’t like literally any of these shoes?
33. These are all screaming 1980s at me. I can practically hear the synth.
34. Some of them even have that 90s paint-splatter look.
35. Why are we bringing that back? I feel like we should just all vote to not let that be a thing we bring back.
36. Jackson Pollock is dead, right? So that should be an easy thing to do.
37. Also, why do these all look like they’re for people significantly more athletic than me?
38. Why are most people significantly more athletic than me?
39. I mean, I’m not doing so bad. Those cardio dance classes are hard!
40. Yeah, they’re super intense! I’m pretty great for doing those, I feel like.
41. You go, girl. You do you. Proud of you.
42. I feel like I kind of hate all these shoes.
43. I think I’m just overwhelmed.
44. So I’m not saying I want the pair I buy to be boring, or like, muted in color, but maybe just mostly gray? Yeah. Mostly gray. But the Nike check should be like, bright. Yeah.
45. I’m going to use a fancy filter and look at only gray ones.
46. Lol the light gray filter left me with one pair of shoes and I hate it. Dark gray it is, then.
47. OK, yeah. I don’t really like any of these either.
48. What ever happened to just like, your normal tennis shoe? That just like, looks like a regular shoe?
49. I wish they still sold the shoes I have now. I don’t remember this being so difficult the last time.
50. I wish I didn’t have to buy new shoes.
51. Why didn’t I buy two pair of the shoes I have now so that I wouldn’t have this issue for like, another year?
52. WHY GOD WHY.
53. That reminds me of that “Friends” episode where Rachel turns 30 and it flashes back to when the other members of the gang turned 30 and Joey is like, making deals with God. That was a funny episode.
54. I love “Friends.”
55. I feel like they wore Converse All-Stars to work out in that show. Can I do that? Is that a thing still?
56. I feel like that’s not a thing still. Let it go.
57. Maybe if I started doing that it could be a thing again.
58. Nope, no. Move on.
59. OK, I don’t like any of these shoes. Where else can I look for Nike shoes besides the Nike website?
60. Will other places even have shoes the Nike website doesn’t have?
61. I mean, yeah. Maybe ones that have been discontinued or something?
62. MAYBE I COULD GET A SWEET DEAL.
63. Can I just use the Google Shopping option? I’ve never really done that.
64. I feel like that would be way easier than sorting through all the sites that popped up when I Googled “Nike women’s shoes.”
65. OK OK, Google Shopping.
66. Ooooh, I can use a filter to look at gray ones here, too!
67. OK, this is showing me flip-flops. Is that a sign?
68. What filter do I choose next? “Active shoes” or “sneakers”? WHY ARE THERE SO MANY OPTIONS FOR THE LOVE.
69. I’m just gonna choose both.
70. OK, some of these aren’t bad! I didn’t see all of these on the website. *side-eye emoji*
71. And these are cheaper! Maybe I can buy two pairs if I find some I like (like I should have done last time I bought shoes, but whatever.)
72. OMG I LIKE THOSE.
73. OMG they’re way less than $150.
74. WHAT DO YOU MEAN THEY DO NOT HAVE MY SIZE
75. *cries in corner, bemoans existence*
76. Hey! There’s another pair I like.
77. Dude. These come in so many shades of gray!!!!
78. It’s like, Fifty Shades of Tennis Shoes in here right now.
79. Lol. Jokes. I’ve got’em.
80. I’m hilarious. I should have my own show.
81. Honestly, nobody gives me enough credit for how funny I am..
82. They have a gray pair with pink laces!! And a kind of green-blue check!
83. And they’re in my size!!
84. Those are nice. And not too obtrusive.
85. You know, I feel like Target makes workout shoes.
86. A lot of my other workout clothes are from Target.
87. But I’m already in the mindset to drop hunneds on Nikes. I should probably just go with that.
88. So should I order these ones I found? I mean, I like them alright.
89. Is anybody like, ever really in love with their new sneakers?
90. I guess the really athletic people are. But I bet they get new shoes all the time, due to athleticism.
91. I wonder if the joy wears off after a while.
92. I’m just imagining the voice from “Spongebob” saying “48 Sneakers Later.”
93. What is wrong with me?
94. OK, OK. I’m gonna buy these shoes.
95. Two pairs. I’m going to buy two pairs.
Haley is a writer and editor based in Birmingham, Alabama, who specializes in narrative nonfiction. She began writing at age 16 after enrolling in her North Alabama high school's newspaper class. She later studied journalism and history at the University of Alabama. In her spare time, she prepares for her eventual sorting into Slytherin House, has frequent chats with her bust of Abraham Lincoln, and feeds an inordinate amount of lettuce to her pet bunny, Ray Bradbury. To contact her, please shout into the nearest void or talk loudly about Jason Isbell’s discography.
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