It’s August, and while we may dream of fall, the sticky summer heat drags on, leaving behind it sweat puddles created by yours truly. A simple five-minute walk to the corner store becomes what feels like an hour-long hike when you come home dripping; legs sticking to vinyl seats in diners and restaurants betray what seemed like an air-conditioned haven. Summer has taught us to keep our arms down, lest anyone see the sweat rings marking our t-shirts. These are the thoughts running through our heads when we are sweating our asses off.
1. “Are my eyebrows still where I put them this morning?”
If you’ve ever filled in your eyebrows you know exactly what we mean.
2. “Please don’t hug me.”
**When meeting with friends, family, significant others and dates, INTERVIEWS and important meetings, any human interaction** My back is soaking wet, and I probably smell as sweaty as I look right now.
3. “Do I have a sweat stain on my butt?”
When standing up after sitting for awhile in a public place.
4. “Do I look athletic or just pathetic?”
Probably the latter.
5. “Is it better to conceal my sweat stains with a sweater or jacket and run the risk of passing out from heat exhaustion or display them publicly like badges of honor?”
6. “How much longer until I can take my bra off?”
I think we can all agree that there are few things worse than boob sweat.
7. “I owe a big mental apology to all of the professors I’ve ever had whose sweat stains I once wrote about in notes passed to my friends during lecture.”
Turns out I have a lot more in common with Professor Sweatsalot than I ever could have imagined.
8. “I’ve never sweat this much in my LIFE!”
Every time I sweat is worse than the last.
9. “Sweating is yet another thing ladies do just as well as men.”
London Tipton, you’re wrong.
10. “Is that me that smells? Can everyone else smell me? Is sweat SUPPOSED to smell?”
We’ve all freaked out about this at one point, and hopefully someone else has a stick of Secret on them.
11. “I need to change my underwear when I get home.”
Pleather should be illegal come summer.
12. “I literally cannot afford to be sweating this much.”
Because clinical-strength deodorant is like 11 fucking dollars AND DOESN’T EVEN CUT IT.
13. “I may never escape this vinyl booth.”
It doesn’t even need to be that hot out for this to happen.
14. “I can’t tell if this is sweat or tears because it is so miserably hot. Someone help me.”
Just. Saltwater. Everywhere.
15. “Imma slit somebody’s throat over this heat”
And every other quote in this perfectly accurate video.