Ah, Shakespeare, my old friend. We’ve come a long way. We met when I was an angsty young teen, swooning over the self-absorbed little Capulet and Montague mites, and fell hard for his stories. I went to see my school’s rendition of A Midsummer Night’s Dream and became utterly obsessed with the preppy older kid who played Demetrius, (or was it Lysander?) and I vowed to become the queen of the drama department, so I might one day be on the receiving end of a stage kiss. Instead, I played cackling witches and goofy sidekicks, and sought belly laughs from audiences of parents and friends. I went on to study English at college, immersing myself in the madness and hilarity of his words.
Though my days of flipping through my 75-year-old copy of the complete works are over (’twas my Grandma’s, because you can bet you’re bottom ha’penny that I ain’t paying for the Norton, son), I can’t help but see Bill’s words just about everywhere in modern life. From Megan Fox’s (super awesome, dare I say it) shoulder tat, to dozens of comtemporary colloquialisms, Shakespeare is BAE for the modern English language.
So, I thought it would be fun to totally mismatch Shakespeare’s wisdom with, um, millennial problems. #sorrynotsorry, Bill.
For the first day of PSL season at Starbucks:
(“The Tempest,” Act 1, scene 2).
When you waste precisely 80 hours of your life binge-watching 10 seasons of a bad show on Netflix:
(“Macbeth,” Act 5, scene 1—via Birthday Wishes)
When you’ve wolfed down all but the last bite of a Chipotle burrito:
(“Romeo and Juliet,” Act 1, scene 4)
When you’re dressed to kill and out to pull:
(“Macbeth,” Act 1, scene 4)
When your Facebook feed is just too full of half-baked political statements:
When you’re hanging with your best frenemy:
(“Macbeth,” Act 5, scene 1)
When you come up with the perfect smackdown insult, to be stored for a later date:
(“Titus Andronicus,” Act 3, scene 1)
When you discover your town has an Ulta:
(“As You Like It,” Act 2, scene 4—via Etsy)