I want to talk sex. Dirty, hot, passionate, omg-I-can’t-wait-until-we-are-home-so-just-pull-over type of sex. We’ve all had it, and if you’re lucky enough, you’re with someone who you can have this type of sex with on a regular basis. But, TBH, this kind of sex isn’t always available, even when you’re with a partner.
I’ve been with my husband for over seven years now, and while we have had some memorable fucks, and we’re both overall happy with our sex life, I would be lying if I said that our sex is always hot, passionate, or good-as-fuck. There have been times where we have gotten too comfortable, and many nights have been spent watching movies or binging on Parks and Recreation into the wee hours of the night, leaving us too sleepy for sex.
Welcome to the sex rut of long-term relationships. It isn’t that you no longer find your partner desirable, or that you love them any less, it’s just that work, hobbies, and Netflix all of a sudden seem to take up more of your time. The result? Sex is oftentimes simplified to something like a routine, and the frequency goes down (at year seven we’re having sex half as often as years 1-3). So to keep your long-term relationship sex hot, read and use some of these tips below.
Go Outside Your Norm
This tip has proven to be the most effective for me. Try changing up when you have sex, and where. Instead of waiting until bedtime, have sex in the middle of the day, or go at it in the morning every now and then. Why? Both your energy level and emotional state changes throughout the day, making middle-of-the-day sex a lot different from right before you fall asleep sex (tip: if you both work in the middle of the day, meet halfway for some good ol’ car sex during your lunch hour). You should also try doing it in a different room: Instead of always on the couch in front of the TV, or on your bed, explore the spare bedroom, or on a chair in your kitchen. Seriously, a little change in venue goes a long way.
Focus On Foreplay
If you’ve ever heard the song “Business Time” from Flight of the Conchords, you’ll know of the infamous line of “when it’s with me girl, all you need is two minutes.” Yes, sex can certainly be done in two minutes, but if that is how the majority of your sex is, you need to slow it down and savor it. Instead of focusing on reaching that climax ASAP, both of you need to intentionally pay a bit more attention to foreplay. Focus on intimacy and bodily contact, rather than the actual sex. The longer you kiss, lick, massage (and whatever else), not only are you showing more devotion and love to your partner, but the longer the build up to your orgasm, the more tantalizing and desirable the whole process is.
This is closely tied in to feeling sexy and pretty, but being able to turn yourself on will get you in the mood more often. You also need to be able to reconnect with your own sexuality, and feel confident sexually—with or without a partner. Having a good relationship with your body is step one in having a good relationship with someone else’s body.
Feel Fine As Hell
If you don’t feel pretty or sexy yourself, then it is likely you won’t even want to have sex. Masturbate (see above), get your hair done, buy some new lingerie, or do whatever it is you do that makes you feel beautiful.
Have Spontaneous Sex
Pay attention to your sex drive, and act on it when you’re both feeling it, no matter where, or when (maybe not at a funeral, but you get the idea). Sex it up when you’re both feeling horny, instead of assuming that you will when you get home, or when you have time to do it.
Touch Each Other
It’s as simple as laying a hand on your partner’s leg while sitting next to them, or holding their hand while on a walk. In the early phases of a relationship, you can’t keep your hands off of each other, and it’s easy to forget just how remarkable it is to simply touch them.
Take a quick mental scan of your relationship, and if you notice that you’ve both lately stopped complimenting each other on personal appearance, start that up again. The benefits: it’s a good reason to pause and admire the way your partner looks, and it’s always nice to hear from the person you love that you are beautiful/have a nice smile/have a nice looking ass. Also, try sending dirty texts to each other. It’ll likely get you both in the mood, and eager for sex.
Try A New Position
Just like going outside of your normal sex time and locale, venturing away from your go-to position adds a bit of diversity to your sex life. Maybe try something you’ve never done before, or experiment with a position you’ve always wanted to try. You never know, you could please in a way you’ve never pleased before, or reach an orgasm in a way you never thought possible.
Most importantly, the key to a happy sex life is open communication within your relationship. Talk about what makes you happy, and how you are feeling personally and emotionally. Sex drive isn’t always consistent, so it’s important to discuss with your partner if you two are just at a low point with your libido. Once you’ve opened up the conversation, decide together which tips you want to try, and go get it.