Recently I’ve realized that I’m kind of an asshole who prioritizes being funny over having healthy relationships with other people. Sarcasm is a way of life for me. While this is funny, and some people like it, it is also kind of mean and can easily be misinterpreted by people who don’t know me well. I recently tried to stop being so sarcastic, but I figured out that the sass is so strong within me, and has become so embedded that people still think that I’m being a jerk when I’m trying to be nice. So there was the end of trying to be genuine for me.
In addition to being sarcastic, I happen to think that practical jokes are hilarious. Even if it’s going to cause a rift or make someone upset, if I think the payoff is funny or will make a good story later, I’ll do it. I grew up in a house where my mom would repeatedly scare the shit out of us just because she thought it was funny. Anyone else have a parent who used to play dead? Anyone? Look, it might not have been funny to me then, but it’s definitely funny now. I guess I’m a little twisted.
I also use humor as a defense mechanism. I’ve done it since I was a little kid to get out of trouble. If I could crack either my mother or father, I knew I wouldn’t get punished. Yes, I was one manipulative, shitty little girl, and while this may have benefitted little Rachel, I don’t think that having this kind of sense of humor has always benefitted adult Rachel. Caring more about being funny than being a good person can really drive the people closest to you nuts. Especially if you have a boyfriend who you’re in a long-distance relationship with, because basically anything that has any semblance of romance is instantly murdered with a joke.
Yeah, that’s right, I just admitted to emotionally torturing my boyfriend with jokes because I think it’s fun. One of my favorite ways to do this is with Snapchat. Most people who are in long distance relationships use it to send each other sexy, flirty pics, but I use it to be an asshole. If you want to do this too, here is a list of pictures you can take that will drive your partner CRAZY! (And not in the Cosmopolitan kind of way—actually crazy).
1) Toilet Pics
My boyfriend sent me a shot of him in bed saying “good morning” so I sent him one of me back on the toilet with the caption “HEY GUESS WHERE I AM?” He didn’t respond for a couple of hours. I thought it was funny, and still do. I keep sending more to him in the hopes that he will acknowledge that I have done this. He continues to ignore me. Hopefully one day, he’ll acknowledge this. Especially since now I wrote an article about it.
2) Mouth Wide Open With Food Inside
I sent my boyfriend a photo of myself eating a sausage, but I’d already chewed up the sausage so there was no way he could mistake it for anything suggestive. HOT. Here are some other suggestions for types of food that are good to get pictures of half chewed:
— chocolate pudding/yogurt (you can drip it out of your mouth if you really want to push it)
— carrots (the color looks great on camera)
— cookies (crunchy is best)
— peanut butter (great texture, accidentally looks grosser than it is)
— cake (the most fun to smash around)
— quinoa (exotic)
3) Picking your Nose
If you send him a picture of you picking your nose, he will definitely fall in love with you and won’t think that you’re a 12-year-old boy at all. If you want to up the stakes and have some more fun with him, send him a picture of the actual booger. This takes guts. Don’t be scared—if he dumps you, he’s definitely not the one.
4) Those Non-Sensual Body Parts We Forget to Photograph
Forget about dick and tit pics. Send him a picture of your feet. Ask him if he has a fetish yet. Even better, a picture of your knees. Your finger. Make the caption something really lovey dovey. Or write something like. “I ache for your touch” with a picture of your chin or knees. I swear, there’s nothing more romantic or attractive than knees. Or a bit of your hair. Or a fingernail.
5) Under the Covers Drooling
Make sure to photograph every single time you wake up and go to bed. Don’t miss the natural drool you have going on—get that in the photo for sure.
6) Dirty Laundry Pile
Remind him of how much fun you are to live with when you’re not doing a long distance relationship. Show him all of the laundry you have piled around your bed. Dirty underpants and dirty bras are plus sexy points.
7) Put your Thumb Over the Camera and Take Pictures, Then Put the Caption “Best view ever!”
Eventually he’ll figure it out and be annoyed, but this will be fun for you for a little while.
8) Send Pictures of Cute Animals on the Street
Send him a picture of every single dog you encounter. Every. Single. One. Whether he likes it or not. And he should like it, or there’s something wrong with him. I mean who doesn’t like all of the dogs?
9) Hair from your Hairbrush and the Shower Drain on Your Face Like a Beard
With a little bit of tape, you can imitate your guy’s facial hair on your face. He’s going to love it.
10) One Nice One When You’re in the Dog House
OK, you’ve sent the nine above, and now he’s pissed. Now is when you pull out the sexy guns. You can show as much skin as you deem appropriate (cause you don’t know when a hack might happen, which is why being goofy is way better in my opinion).
Remember, if you send the pictures above, even if you’re a huge pain in the ass, you’ll be doing him a favor because he won’t have to deal with blue balls. Additionally, you won’t have to put on makeup, sexy underwear, or shave your legs ever. So everybody wins.
Tell us about your favorite kind of Snapchats @literallydarling and @RachelResnik! What’s your preferred style of Snapchat?