Since the time we were small children, starting with our first ever doll, all women are expected to love babies. Before even reaching the first days of kindergarten, many girls already have a collection of baby dolls. I’m not trying to start something up against girls playing with dolls; I myself was the proud playmate of an American Girl doll, who I took on (imaginary) horseback riding trips and sled dog adventures, and whom I read books with.
After the period of being gifted dolls as young girls, upon reaching the teenage years, it is largely expected for women to ooh and aah upon seeing a baby. From being bombarded by babies showing up in your newsfeed to new additions within your extended family, it is always an unquestionable assumption—not only from the proud parents, but literally everyone—that you’ll fall in love with the baby, because that’s just what women do, right?
No, actually. Not every women loves babies. And I’m not talking about not wanting babies, I’m talking just not liking them. That’s right: there are women (with ovaries no less!) that actually don’t like babies, and I’m a member of that party.
And guess what, I’m allowed to hate them. Well, hate is a bit of a strong word, but to be honest, I do strongly dislike babies. I’m not a kid lover either, but babies are even worse in my eyes: helpless bags of humans that cry, disrupt sleep, poop and pee constantly, are always hungry, can’t do anything on their own, and take up a butt load of time, just to name a few of their not so charming characteristics.
I’ve never even thought babies were cute, so there goes the one thing that you may have thought they’ve got going for them. Out of the babies I’ve seen (and I am certainly not surrounded by them, thank goodness), whether in photos or in real life, ranging from fresh to toddler age, I’ve never released the expected “aww.” Although I have given something like a grimace to the proud mommy, forcing a smile to make the awkward silence more bearable. I naturally think puppies, kittens, bunnies, baby elephants, and especially baby gorillas (have you seen a baby gorilla? You haven’t lived until you have), just to name a few, are all hopelessly adorable.
But human babies? Nope. Those chubby cheeks, big eyes, tiny feet, and fuzzy-wuzzy hair have no positive effect on me. There’s recently been more acknowledgement that not all women want children, but even they still typically (in the public eye, at least) think babies are cute. Even Carrie Bradshaw, the mother of none, save for fashion, has said on her and Big’s decision on not having children: “We both love kids but it’s just not who we are.”
You’re probably thinking “What a heartless bitch. They’re babies, they’re supposed to act like that!” In response, I am completely not heartless, as being a teacher, an animal lover, and a regular giver to various non-profits, I have a pretty big heart (and a not so modest one, as it turns out). As to the second thought, well, duh. My point exactly. Babies act like babies, which is precisely why I don’t like them.
I’m free to not like them, because that’s just how I feel. But why does my opinion even matter, really? As a married 26 year old, I’m starting to freak that this year—which will see my two year wedding anniversary—may mark the year of being asked the dreaded question of if and when I am going to start making a baby, which funnily enough, family, friends, and even strangers all feel entitled to ask. To answer that question, all I know is that right now, at my current place in life, it is a big no to baby-making, and not necessarily because I don’t like babies, but largely because my husband and I want to focus on ourselves for the next few years, and not take on a huge financial responsibility as well.
But more importantly, it’s sadly become a natural assumption that a woman, especially one of child-rearing age, must adore babies. It matters because for every woman (because, let’s face it, if a man doesn’t like babies, it is culturally seen as typical) who doesn’t like babies, she’ll receive judgmental, nasty looks, and the “What’s wrong with you?” or “You must think that baby is cute, or else you’re just evil” comments (all of which I have received numerous occasions).
Just like the desire to have a baby isn’t in every woman, neither is she necessarily wired to like them. And there is nothing wrong with that, so get the f*ck over it. I’m allowed to not like babies, just as some women opt out of not having any. And even though I’m inching nearer to the supposed biological clock, I’m just a woman with an open, loving heart who would rather babysit a baby elephant (and clean up its poop) over your baby. Sorry, not sorry.
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I never hated babies, because hate is a strong word, but I did call kids little monsters….until I got my own. It changes one’s life. And for the hater in us – it may be that you’ll be ready to take on the responsibility for another human life just later….or it may just be that people like you don’t really want or need to procreate. Either of them is fine as long as you’re in peace with yourself. Although someone proclaiming hatered so openly just doesn’t quite sound like a person in peace.
Hey Galina. Direct quote from the article, as it seems you missed it:
“And guess what, I’m allowed to hate them. Well, hate is a bit of a strong word, but to be honest, I do strongly dislike babies” (4th paragraph down)
I agree hate is a strong word. But it sure makes for a snarky and catchy title.
To be honest, babies (and children below the age where you can speak normally to them and they’ll behave somewhat as regular adult people) disgust me to the point that I’ll wince when I even see a picture of them.
I think it might be in part due to all that messy disgusting goo that seems to just come out of everywhere, and I’m not really a bacteriophobe but they’re always covered in yucky slime for some reason, even being close to them is beyond uncomfortable.
But it’s possibly also because everyone I’ve ever known have always been trying to force them down my throat, making the aversion even stronger. Also the decibel level of their demon shrieks is absolutely incredible, it’ll give me an instant headache.
It should be more accepted to not want children, especially when you are very young. It shouldn’t be something where you don’t seem to have a choice, and where people will get all judgy and upset with you for not wanting to waste 20 years of your life on taking care of another person… especially with this overpopulation, we really should get over this old school “children are the meaning of life” and “you are a worthless horrible cockroach unless you become a divine vessel of creation”… it’s not the 1800s anymore, darling.
Women can lead meaningful, wonderful lives and have very important roles, without having to become mothers.
I wouldn’t say I hate babies, but with an intense dislike for them, I think it’s pretty close. I don’t even find baby animals cute, even though I do like animals, I prefer adult ones that you can actually do something with. I also like children once they’re intelligent enough to mostly control themselves and to talk to. I honestly can’t imagine ever liking babies, even if they were my own. They just seem like weak unintelligent things that could well just die and I wouldn’t care as I would for someone older, they’re just blank nothings. For that reason I don’t want to ever have my own children as I don’t I’d be fit to look after them. Perhaps fostering older/teenage children, but certainly not babies.
Thank you for writing this. I feel alone about this and I fear that if I tell anyone I will be seen as evil, people will change their opinion of me or people will not want to be in a relationship with me. I am a hard working, emotional, kind person who wants everyone to be happy, I love animals and adore taking care of them, I will do anything for someone I love, I am romantic, but I don’t know how to act with kids who are rude or don’t listen. I’m am introvert and I have anxiety which comes and goes, and I think too much. I feel like one day I will want to have a baby to make my parents happy and continue the family name, as long as the conditions are right and I am with a good man who I intend to be with for the rest of my life, living in a stable place with a stable job, otherwise I can’t see myself bringing a baby into the world. If i don’t have a child I feel like I will be judged and let me family down. There is so much pressure. This is why I can’t talk about the issue of not even smiling at baby videos or when I see a baby in a pram.
For now, however, the smell of babies sick, the thought of changing diapers with poo smeared all over, the screaming at night and on buses, the ungratefulness of children, the sleepless nights, keeping them alive with no guide, being fully responsible for somebody’s life, knowing how to teach them things so they don’t become criminals, knowing how to act when they don’t listen (I dread a kid who is a bully or does not listen), getting judged by other mothers, and having no alone time to heal my mind is all scaring me. I feel like I will have a baby when the time comes, but Im scared I will be a terrible and selfish mum.