I write a lot about failed relationships. No, seriously, I write a lot about failed relationships. It’s not that I particularly enjoy reliving heartbreak, but I return to this seemingly tiresome topic again and again simply because writing is the best way I have to cope with heartache—it’s a way to make sense of the confusion, miscommunication, and hurt that inevitably follows the end of any relationship, no matter how long it may have lasted.
And, oh yeah, it is satisfying as hell to get the last word.
While I’d like to think my writing is an innocent act of sheer catharsis, the curly-haired devil sitting on my right shoulder reminds me that these articles are my subtle attempt at exacting revenge on the guys who pissed me off, stood me up, or lead me on. And I’m so ok with that.
So take note, if you make me cry, you’re damn right I’ll write about you.
Everyone has their own ways of dealing with a broken heart, but odds are everyone will experience that fist-clenching, head-spinning, heart-pounding anger at some point in the process. And while nothing would feel better than pulling a Carrie Underwood and wreaking havoc on his “pretty little souped-up four-wheel drive,” I’m here to give you an alternative option for dealing with heartbreak.
In merely 17 syllables, here are a few hate-filled haikus that may save some bitter souls the trouble of properly articulating their grievances, or at least save them a stint behind bars.
22 Vindictive Haikus to Send to Your Ex Instead of
Slashing His Tires
I liked it better
When we were mutual friends
And you weren’t a dick.
#Tbt to when
The mere thought of you didn’t
Induce vomiting.
You are a mean boy.
Here’s to hoping you get cut
In half like this tree.
Not a dog person?
Deal breaker, deal breaker, deal
Breaker, deal breaker.
In a year from now
I bet I will still hate you
And, thus, egg your house.
I want to curse you
With infinite clown nightmares
From which you can’t wake.
Shall we reminisce?
You said lots of untrue things
And I believed them.
Our relationship
Was one-way conversations.
Your jokes weren’t clever.
You broke my heart and
I want to break your kidney.
Sounds like a fair trade.
I made you cookies,
But you said you hate soft ones
And that’s f*cking weird.
Your face may be cute,
But your heart is cold as ice.
Just like a vampire.
Do not be flattered,
You’re nothing like the Cullens.
I bet they’d eat you.
Speaking of eating,
Thanks for buying me dinner.
Wish I’d had lobster.
I’ve a confession:
Your car does not impress me,
Nor does your kissing.
My mom thinks you suck.
My friends all think you suck too.
I agree with them.
No seriously.
What’s your deal with the cookies?
Wish I’d poisoned them.
Why are you like this?
No longer acquaintances,
We are enemies.
I’ve got a question:
Do you like making girls cry?
It sure seems like it.
More pleasant than you:
Hangovers, the plague, and lice;
Salt in papercuts.
Have a great summer!
I hope you get a sunburn
And a shark eats you.
You said you missed me,
But turns out you were lying.
Guess who’s laughing now?
Like what you’re reading?
Thanks for the material.
Ha ha ha I win.
