Most of us may never live a life dramatic enough to experience a nemesis in the traditional sense of the word—sworn revenge pacts, assassination attempts, fist shaking while yelling “CURSES!!!” at their latest slight. But all of us experience everyday mortal enemies, those people/places/things that seem single-minded in their goal of getting in our way. Here is a list of those exasperating moments that are quick to make our tempers flare and also probably wonder why the world is out to get us.
1. Automatic Soap Dispensers
It always seemed a little germophobic to not have to touch something while you are washing your hands (like…you’re literally about to wash whatever you touch off). But my office has the Soap Dispenser From Hell. It dispenses liquid soap, not foam, and far too much of it, so even when it’s working correctly it’s a pain in the ass. But it also operates on a hair trigger and is located too close to the automatic faucet, so it dispenses soap like, four times during the course of my hand-washing. If this soap dispenser had a face I would stab it.
2. The Sun
Shout out to all of those in LA (including myself) experiencing the immense heat wave and humidity that has swept through Southern California with no end in sight. Every morning is a dance between the heat and the side of the street that has more shade. This unavoidable humidity leaves me questioning whether or not my butt sweat has seeped through my dress and has become visible to the general public. Heat tip: wear longer dresses so you can spread your legs and steer clear of excessive vagina sweat.
3. People Who Pay With Checks
As far as I’m concerned these people are living in the past as much as the Victorian couple. Granted, a lot of them are actually sweet old grandmas, they still merit disdain. At the grocery store they never start fumbling with their checkbook until all their items are scanned (like it’s some kind of SURPRISE that you have to pay at the end), leaving the efficient credit card people behind them shooting hate beams into the back of their head.
4. Text Messages That Are Too. Damn. Long.
If I have to scroll five times to read your rambling thoughts, you should have picked up the phone and called. Leave the novels on your bookshelves, people.
5. Leftscalators, Escaleftors, or People Who Stand on the Left Side of the Escalator
Tourists. We’re either on our morning commute or dying to get home after work. For the love of god, STAND ON THE RIGHT, WALK ON THE LEFT.
6. Phone’s Brightness Setting
In the middle of the night I just wanna see how much time I have left for sleeping. What I don’t want it to be blinded by the sun in the middle of my apartment. I just need a phone that realizes that since it’s totally dark to dim the damn screen.
7. Change Machines
If anyone has struggled with the life that is getting quarters for a load of laundry you will understand this. Why are you ornery and stubborn? Why won’t you work all the time on my one dollar bills? Why won’t you make change for 5s, 10s, and 20s like you say on the side of the machine?
8. Toilet Paper Thwarters
There are two types of offenders here. The first is inanimate—at my office, there is a little plastic piece that stops the toilet paper roll after two sheets. TWO SHEETS! My other sworn toilet paper enemy is people who put the roll on upside-down. Yes, there is an upside-down way to put on toilet paper.
9. Clothes Only Available Online
Fine, the digital age is upon us and the days of the brick and mortar store are slowly coming to a close, but for the love of God, just let me try on my clothes in a store. Why would I want to waste the time (and shipping fee) of ordering clothes, getting them 7-10 days later, trying them on, having them NOT FIT, and sending them back, often at my own expense?! And why are the clothes that are always an online exclusive the “special sizes?” Don’t you think that if you’re super petite or a plus size that finding clothes that fit you properly is already difficult enough?!
10. Drivers Who Don’t Understand Space Bubbles
For those of us who don’t drive cars the size of a postage stamp, we understand things like braking distances and the fact that if you’re in a ¾ quarter ton truck, it will not in fact be able to go from 60 mph – 0 in the two feet of space that the asshole who just cut you off and slammed on the brakes left you. So here’s a thought, unless you want a SUV to go through the back-end of your car the next time you completely lack the forethought of your actions, leave us some space.
11. Drivers Who Block The Right-hand Lane
In many states, you can turn right on red, unless the person in front of you is a dick and is blocking your path. If there’s more than one person, it’s not so bad, but if there is only one car between you and sweet, sweet turning, we hate you.
12. The Question-Asker
When you’re in an awful interminable meeting and finally, a glimmer of daybreak begins to shine through…then some asshat asks a question that literally only pertains to their job, that they could have EASILY asked offline and let the rest of us be released into freedom. But no. It’s fine. Please take up more of everyone else’s time. See also: The Guy Who Keeps Asking Stupid Questions In That One Class
13. Unpredictable Public Transportation
The trains may run on time in Germany, but waiting on a public bus in the U.S. can be like playing Russian Roulette. Is it coming? Did it already leave? Is it even running today? It always seems that on the days you’re running late or an equally-unpredictable rainshower occurs that the bus is nowhere to be found. Thus, you sprint to work arriving drenched either in your own sweat or the rain.
14. Impossible-to-Open Snack Packaging
There is nothing like that moment when after hours of craving and fantasizing, you finally have your favorite salty snack within reach. You can already taste the zesty flavors tickling your tongue. But after eagerly acquiring this treat you find yourself at a standstill. Your mission has been thwarted—the most anticlimactic of all missions. Because you CAN’T. OPEN. THE. BAG. The universe clearly hates you and everything sucks.