I feel confident that we can be addressed as a collective, because it’s clear that by possessing a vagina we all think, act, dress, and desire the same things. We are single-issue voters who only care about birth control, say no when we really mean yes, have jobs only until we can get a Mrs. promotion, and spend most waking moments trying to get thinner so a man will bless us with his attention. Thankfully, to aid us in our quest for meaning through men, Dan Bacon has taken it upon himself to teach men how to approach us in the wild to tame our hearts forever.
Now women, I’m sure none of you are really wearing headphones since it sends too clear a signal of “Go away, I would like some personal time and please do not disturb me.” How is a man supposed to feel confident enough to approach someone sending such do-not-disturb signals? You could be ruining his whole day—and your only chance at love—by focusing on your own life and not giving them a chance to tell you how hot you are. I know you’ve probably had a long day and just wanted some time to shut the world out, but when a man is miming at you to take your headphones out, pointing back and forth that he wants to talk to you, and makes it abundantly clear that his desires are more important than your own, it’s clear what you need to do. Be grateful.
You see, if there’s nothing else we’ve learned in 2016, it’s that men need to be able to get what they want. If their actions cause harm to someone instead of being amply punished for rape, they should be given the lightest possible sentence because being held accountable could ruin their future. If a man wants you to be less shrill when you’re running for president of the free world, you should probably just step aside and let a man do the job for you. We’re too prone to being hormonal and bleeding out of our whatevers to handle it anyway. Besides, can you imagine the type of man who’d demand you remove your headphones ever being willing to be known as the First Gentleman? That’s way too emasculating for their egos, and as women, it’s our job to protect their precious confidence at all costs.
So ladies, when you’re out for a jog and a man comes running up behind you and taps your shoulder or motions for you to take off your headphones, don’t whip out the mace and flee as you think of all the women murdered while jogging this summer. Slow down, do a nice hair flip and smile at them for gracing you with their attention. If you’re at a coffee shop in a shared workspace on a video conference with your boss and that barista wants to chat, tell your boss to hold. And when your feminist friends look at you in horror, just remember that you’ll be making babies soon and they’ll die single.
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