It has come to my attention that it is a truth universally known that women apparently have special needs when it comes to automobiles. If you ask the Seat Mii by Cosmopolitan those needs are apparently met by an all purple car the size of a maxi-pad designed to let men know, “Careful fellows, there’s a little lady behind the wheel, clear the decks!” Cops can be prepared with tissues when they pull you over for DWM (driving while menstruating). We can also finally have a car that is pre-designed to match our handbags and shoes without clashing, since it was created by a fashion mag.
— SEAT Official (@SEATofficial) September 16, 2016
Yet, women, if this car is somehow not quite to your liking, let me humbly suggest a few other vehicles perhaps better suited to your unique feminine needs.
A Black-on-Black Armored Suburban for Ruling the Free World
Every woman who is planning to run the country needs a Secret Service suburban for getting around town. It’s bullet-proof to avoid those pesky Second Amendment folks, all black to immediately showcase your bad assery, and is armored to allow you to just push the peasants out of the way while in traffic.
An Aston Martin DB9 for Outrunning the Patriarchy
With 510 break horsepower and 0-60 MPH in just 6.2 seconds, the classic James Bond car is the quintessential vehicle for outrunning the patriarchy. As they’re berating you to wear heels in the workplace, take off your headphones, and to pay for your own birth control, you can leave them stewing in their jealous chauvinism while you flee in style.
A Mini Cooper for Stealing Male Privilege
Hop in your Mini Cooper and drive through the narrow corridors and devious switchbacks of the male ego to steal some of the lofted male privilege. With a surprisingly roomy backseat, the Mini is perfect for carrying around male baggage, while its small size will seem unthreatening to men. They’ll never suspect you’re there to pull a feminist Italian Job.
A Subaru Outback So Men Will Know You’re a Lesbian
Long known to be the car of choice of lesbians, the Subaru Outback will do the talking for you to let men know you’d rather not meet their penis. What better way to project your sexuality and prevent yourself from having to deal with men angry for not wearing a sign on your forehead so they won’t have to waste their time? At a bar? Put your Subaru keys next to you. It’s like the bat signal to ward off men. *Caveat: be prepared for questions about whether you’ve ever had sex with a man and if you’re into threesomes.*
A Honda Civic You Can Afford With the Wage Gap
With a starter price under $20,000 and an average of 31 MPG in the city, the Honda Civic is the perfect car for a female making 80¢ to every dollar a man makes. A girl has got to economize where she can, but remember that her looks are what make her valuable. The Civic’s low price point but stylish good looks are the perfect fit in a nation with a wage gap that is projected to not be evened out for another 136 years. Good news? Civic’s run forever.
A Ford F350 Super Duty Pickup To Carry Your Feminine Products
Long held as the epitome of masculinity, the Ford F350 pickup comes with four wheel drive, a 21,000 lb towing capacity, and a huge bed. It’s clearly been assigned to the wrong sex. What else are women going to haul their shoes, purses, pink Bic pens, tampons, fluff pillows, and emotions in? Besides, after paying the pink tax all their lives, don’t they deserve a vehicle that can not only pull a Tiny House, but drive over the Cosmo car?
The Mercedes-Benz G-Class for Climbing the Corporate Hierarchy
Best known for its ability to forge rivers and climb mountains while looking fierce, the Mercedes G Wagon is the ideal accessory for scaling the corporate hierarchy. With its all wheel drive and three lockable differentials, the G Wagon has the grip to keep you on track even when the slimiest of chauvinists are trying to knock you back down. Its V8 engine with 416 break horse power lets you go 0-60 in 5.8 seconds, letting you gain the power and speed you need to break the glass ceiling while looking damn good.
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