Let’s face it: Boobs are by far the niftiest part of the female anatomy. Ever since the dawn of time, men have been drawn to women’s chests—for centuries they’ve regarded breasts as wondrous and mysterious creations with the sole purpose of attracting the opposite sex like beacons in the night. Heck, Helen of Troy’s breasts are even described by Ovid as “weapons.” What Ovid probably didn’t know was that Helen of Troy literally could’ve used her boobs as a weapon, and also a wine opener. The truth is that lefty and righty can do more tricks than a swiss army knife. Need a snack? A cellphone holder? Hand warmer? Baby feeder?? Congratulations, ladies, your body is a wonderland—as well as many other useful tools.
1. As Snack Keepers
If you’re anything like me, half the time you’re eating you end up with a cleavage-full of food. I’ve been known to get an accidental piece of popcorn or two down there—in fact, it happens so frequently, I often feel as if my body is a walking piece of tupperware. When I got fitted for a bra for my prom dress in high school, the lady fitting me found an M&M in my cleavage. I thought the dark blemish on my breast was skin cancer, but nope-it was chocolate! From then on, I realized that I could stick anything in between the Bobbsey Twins and save it for later. While cheese doodles and popcorn are the ideal size for this method of storage, there’s no reason why you can’t get creative and fit a whole sandwich in there. Other recommended boob-food storage include life savers, Altoids, and tic tacs to ensure that you have minty fresh breath all the time.
2) As Gum Holders
Charlie and the Chocolate Factory’s Violet Beauregard liked to store her gum wads behind her ear, but avoid any hair trauma by sticking those suckers in between your titties. No one will know. It might get a little sticky inside your show girl holder, but with the right amount of gum, you won’t ever need a push-up bra ever again!
3) As a Cellphone Holder
No pockets? No problem. You can keep your phone safe, secure, and always within reach between the girls. When your friends, mom, or boss call, place it on speaker phone for a great hands free device. They’ll never know where you’re talking from. Unless you tell them (which I normally do because I’m proud of my own ingenuity, damn it)! Added bonus: Prop up your headphones to listen to music while you run. No wristband needed. Next step: learning to text with your zongos.
4) As Hand warmers
Cold? Boobs are basically the greatest hand warmers of all time. Snowing? Just stick your hands down your shirt and let your tatas generate their natural warmth. If your ladies get too cold, you can always put a pair of earmuffs over them. THEN stick your hand inside your bra. You’ll wonder why you never thought of this before.
5) As Baby Feeders
Mother nature, you are a genius. Thanks to our breasts, we don’t have to buy food for our kids for the first year of their lives because our bodies are smart enough to produce it on it’s own. It’s like our anatomy knows how expensive diapers are and is trying to save us a few bucks. So much respect boobies, so much respect.
7) As a Shelf
Did you know that your body has it’s own built in shelf? Yes, your lady bubbles can be used to hold your textbooks, items of clothing, anything really. You can balance a lot of things on top of your gourds. Speaking from personal experience, avoid coffee cups at all cost. While this may seem like a convenient idea while driving or lying down (yes I’ve tried both), you are definitely going to get burned. It’s just hard to balance out the boob-to-cup surface area ratio. Stick to non-liquids and you’ll be golden.
8) As an Animal Pillow
The ladies of Literally, Darling have referred to this physical phenomenon as a “cat shelf.” Yes, your boobs can hold kittens and small dogs who like to burrow themselves into places. When they pop their heads out, everyone can see your tiny critter. You get to pretend you’re a mama kangaroo, and trust me, your boobies are way more comfortable than Paris Hilton’s purse. New fad?
9) As Forecasters
Everyone knows that Karen in Mean Girls used her boobs to tell when it was already raining, but your boobs can also be used to tell exactly when you’re going to start PMSing. Clues: Pain, breast enlargement, finding M&Ms accidentally inside of your bra. No worries, once it’s your time of the month, be sure to stick a tampon in there for storage.
Cellphones aren’t the only thing you can stick in your bra. You can keep all of your money in there—loose change included! You can keep all of your credit cards! All of your IDs! Going out? Please don’t bother carrying around a heavy bag. You don’t even need a wallet. You have one right on your body.
Our lady bits are powerful, and capable of so so much more than they are given credit for. At the end of the day, our boobs are basically the real-world equivalent of an ironman suit, meaning women make some kick ass superheroes (with or without capes). Clearly we are ready to run shit. So remind me, why are we paid less than men?
Have any unique boob functions of your own? Let us know by tweeting @litdarling!
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