Your twenties are all about prioritizing—your career, your time, your pants, and especially the people in your life. Think about it: You simply don’t have enough time to cancel plans with everyone. Therefore it’s critical that you get downright Machiavellian in who you keep around. For those of you who are too nice to tell the slackers in your life to GTFO, I’ve decided to do the work for you. So take a peek at your Facebook feed, take a cue from Corporate America, and start “restructuring” your friend force.
Friends to Keep
The one who is trying to go gold at Starbucks
They’ll be the first to whip out their phones, activate an app you’ve never heard of and pay for your Starbucks.
The one who is a complete and utter mess
We all pretend we’re not judgmental brats, but you need at least one person in your life who makes your bad life decisions look awesome.
The home cook who is always testing new recipes
They will host all the gatherings so you don’t have to, they will always be trying to feed you, and you don’t have to bother learning how to cook.
The uber-responsible friend who can always be relied on
They will be the ones who will be your emergency contact at the hospital, the one you call when your car breaks down, and who will explain what taxes are and why you need to pay them.
The one who is up for anything
“Hey want to meet up in five minutes and go out of town?” “Sure! I’ll bring snacks.” Everyone needs a yes-man who is cool with making spur of the moment decisions.
The one who cancels plans first
Sometimes it’s just too damn exhausting coming up with a reason for why there’s no way in hell you’re leaving your house. These folks bail first, taking the onus off of you.
The one in a stable, healthy relationship
These folks can serve a multitude of functions: for one, you likely don’t have to hear about said relationship because it’s all good. Secondly, you can aspire to their low-key awesomeness and finally, they probably have solid advice on the subject.
The one in a terrible relationship
Just as you need someone to mentor you, you also need someone to show you the exact opposite of what to do with your life, one terrible decision at a time.
The one whom you have a mutually assured secret pact with
You’ve got dirt on them, they’ve got it on you, and it’s just in everyone’s best interest that you volunteer to be each other’s social media deleters, phone erasers, and dirty secret stashers.
The one who has a new Spotify playlist every time you get in the car
Keep and follow these folks forever, because they’ll do all the music heavy-lifting for you. They’ll find the new artists, cue you in before it hits the radio, and then you’ll seem cooler by association.
The one who knows how to write a killer resume
They probably have a way better job than you do and make more money, but if they’ll share their secret job-getting powers and network, stick with them like glue.
The one who has a cooler friend group outside of your own
Sure, you may be jealous that they’re probably cooler than you, but a friend group can get a little claustrophobic. Having someone who brings in flesh blood benefits everyone.
The one that calls you on your shit
Sure, sycophants are fun when you’re feeling low, but the ones you want to keep around for the long haul are the ones who tell you, yes those pants are atrocious, yes you’re ruining your life, and yes you need to get your shit together.
The ones who love your pets as much as you do
They’re not going to care if they get jumped on, covered in hair, slobbered over or that they will forever be second in your heart to your four-legged friend.
Oh yeah, and the ones you actually like
Don’t lie, do you really like most of the people you call friends or are they just a convenient group of people you’ve collected over the years? Life’s too short to willingly spend time with folks you’re ambivalent about.
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