I adore getting off. In my bed, on my couch, even in my car. Orgasms are my greatest stress reliever, with or without a partner. As a matter of fact, there was a time (an extensive period of time) I preferred to do “it” by myself. Follow me on this: I would be getting naked with someone. They’re super sexy, fun, naughty—all of the things—but for some reason I can’t focus on them and the moment at hand. I’m caught up in a tornado-like swirl of a million other thoughts. The hot boy at the supermarket (could he be my soulmate?); the paper I still need to write; shit, I forgot to call my mother yesterday. Until…. damn it! I’m no longer wet. The present was erased with the past.
However, when you’re alone you don’t have to think about anyone or anything else and the present becomes a glorious mess of sexual release. It’s simply about yourself and, well, getting off. When it came to coming that was my outlook. And although masturbating was certainly gratifying there was something missing. Something out there even more beautiful than merely orgasming. Ladies: Eye contact during sex. It is the ultimate closeness. It is one of the most intimate and sensual things I have ever experienced and the very thing I needed to bring me back into the present when in the bedroom.
Alright—now to the nitty gritty. There we were: clothes off, music on, the room hot with heavy breathing and heady arousal. Some serious love was about to be made. My lover mounted me with such affection and respect, I swear I was close to tears. As he began to enter me, he grabbed my face with a startling fierceness and whispered, “Look me in the eyes, I want to watch as you cum.” And, for what seemed like an eternity, he stared at me with dark and needy eyes. His eyes told me so many things. He was telling me he loved me even before we had spoken the actual words. He was telling me how sexy I was and how much he desired me. He was telling me that we weren’t just “having sex”—that our souls were connecting. Even if I never saw this man again (ahem—my current partner) I would have always remembered that night. The almost hypnotic look in his eyes. The magical fireworks that set me off and made me cum more wildly than I ever had in my life. It was a moment of ultimate vulnerability, which is something I’m not good at. But, for some reason, when our eyes met every insecurity melted away as I focused only on his eyes. Only on him—not the boy from the supermarket, or the gym, or anyone or anything else. Just him and the adventure.
Many studies on eye contact liken my passionate experience to a scientific reaction. According to this, the love hormone, oxytocin, is released when prolonged periods of eye contact are made. Oxytocin is the crème de la crème of human bonding—pairing mothers and infants, and partners, since the beginning. The hormone is also released through continual hugging and physical touch. Therefore, it is safe to assume that during sex the “love” hormone is being released through physical intimacy, and by sustaining eye contact throughout, the intense effects of the hormone are amplified.
“Eye contact: how souls catch on fire” – unknown
So, all of the personal stories and “science-y” stuff may be enticing, but putting your eyes on the prize during sex can still be daunting. This is perfectly normal anxiety. I mean, staring someone in the eyes on the regular can be a bit intimidating; now subtract clothes, add penetration, and a person could really begin to fret. Well, fear not, mama is here to let you in on a little secret—power through. Literally. The first few seconds are the most awkward, but then the smiles fade and honesty shines through. It’s as if you are greeting your partner as the true you. No fake moans, or hidden smiles, it’s just you. And the beauty comes when both you and your lover realize this is happening. That this wonderful pairing is occurring and the present is the only thing that matters. I urge you to experience eye contact during sex and see each other, truly, for the first time.