The post-coronavirus dating world is going to look a helluva lot different. Instead of debating what date you can finally have sex, you’ll be thirsty for a handshake on the 14th day after “just in case” self-isolating. The days of buying a new outfit for a hot date will be gone as the supply chain will not have caught up to demand again and fast fashion will have become “2-4 week delivery time.” And that’s assuming everyone comes out of quarantine without having gone completely feral. Seriously if you thought being asked about your opinion on pineapple on pizza was bad before, no one is going to have had anything of note happening to them for a year and a half, so conversation will be scraping the bottom of the barrel (or will be so depressing both parties will need therapy after.)
No one is going to be smooth, and priorities are going to have drastically changed in regards to what everyone is looking for in a partner. No longer will it be a quest for a hot Insta boyfriend or girlfriend to have a little fun with and see and be seen with. No. Now we have to start considering who we’re willing to get locked up with when we inevitably have to do this again next fall.
So to enable everyone to choose the right partner, here are some suggested vetting questions for future first dates.
First Date Questions
Did you go on Spring Break or take a $8 flight to the Bahamas during quarantine?
Did you go into your office even though you were cleared to work from home?
Did you shower at least once a week?
How did you feed yourself?
At any time did you rely upon a woman in your life to bring you pre-made food, clean clothes, or supplies when you were not sick?
On average, how many times did you mansplain the economic collapse to someone on the internet?
But on the topic of your internet history, are you on Telegram or Parler, and if so, please leave now.
Did you ever yell at a grocery store clerk, pharmacist, or health care worker due to inconveniences?
What did you consider “basic necessities” to stock up on?
Did you make a TikTok dance and if so, please send it immediately.
Please provide a complete breakdown of how you created your sourdough starter and your levels of success at sustaining it.
What did you secretly hoard?
Do you think Carole fed her husband to the tigers on Tiger King? Are you even capable of remembering Tiger King this long into the pandemic?
What home improvement projects did you start? How many did you finish?
How many plants in your quarantine garden are still alive?
If you could’ve eaten one billionaire and redistributed their wealth, who would it have been and why?
How often did you check in with family members?
How many impromptu Zoom meetings did you drop on coworkers?
Please rank your Netflix binges from best to worst.
Show me how far you think six feet is for proper social distancing technique.
The TP ran out. Did you break quarantine to find more, order a bidet, or go to “family cloth?”
If you stayed at home with someone, is that person still speaking to you?
Did you make a covid-19 contingency plan for your pet?
How many different phrases did you come up with to wish people “health and safety during these difficult times” in every email sign-off? (Seriously, share these, we need all the help we can get.)
On average week, how many times did you leave the house during the stay at home order?
When stay at home orders were lifted but the pandemic was surging, did you party or follow CDC guidelines?
What was your most absurd quarantine purchase?
Did you binge read the news or avoid it altogether?
If you were able to, how did you support local businesses?
Does your dog or cat still like you?
Did you start a podcast?
What’s the one coronavirus conspiracy theory you kinda believed?
Are you an anti-vaxxer and if so did you just double dip that chip?
Show me how you wear your mask.
If quarantined with others, how often did you do the cooking and cleaning?
How many hours did you rack up on Animal Crossing? Who is your favorite villager? (There are wrong answers to this.)
Did you ever cough in public and joke about having coronavirus?
If you left a major metropolitan area, did you self-quarantine for two weeks afterward?
What was your favorite livestream concert?
What did you run out of the most?
Did you get alcohol poisoning taking a shot every time a politician let down Americans during the crises?
Did you ever disregard the stay at home and social distancing rules because you didn’t think they applied to you?
And most importantly – if they’re an essential worker, skip all these questions and buy them dinner to say thank you.
With these basic filter questions out of the way, you’ll now be able to determine who will make the cut for the 50th round of quarantine and make sure you’re not stuck inside with a selfish jerk who would drive you so barmy you’d willingly watch reruns of Trump’s press conferences. And for those who might be reading and thinking their answers may not make them come off too well to future prospects, we’re still in this for a while and it is not too late to turn your behavior around. Stay home, wash your hands, call your mom, get vaccinated, and don’t leave your dishes for someone else to do.
Stay healthy and safe in these chaotic times.
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