By now I’m sure most of us have heard of the cinematic masterpiece that is Sharknado. Syfy is showing it again tonight at 7/6c, I thought a quick recap of some of my favorite B-horror shark movies–or B-shark movies–would be in order.
Shark movies with poor special effects (what I like to call B-shark movies) are AWESOME. Let me explain. If you want a movie where “science” is continually called into question, shark movies are it. If you want a movie where the primary solution to problems is blowing them up, shark movies are it. If you want a movie where ninety percent of the people are eaten, shark movies are it.
Now, many of my friends question my love of B-shark movies. They say, “Eric, how can you watch something that ridiculous and outrageous?” And I say, “Well, first of all, you just answered your own question because who doesn’t love ridiculous and outrageous things? Second of all, I don’t question your obsession with Real Housewives or My Little Pony, so don’t go there.”
Jaws kicks off shark movies and it’s actually really good. It plays on our fear of the ocean and the unknown–because the ocean is really deep. Like, really deep. Like, so deep that there is a point where light doesn’t penetrate. Jaws takes old fables about sea monsters and squashes them all into the terrifying maw of a great white shark.
Recent shark movies, while AWESOME, are not exactly known for their high cinematic quality. Which is okay. That’s not why people watch them. Watching Sharktopus for its cinematic and cultural value would be like watching Twilight to learn about romance. That’s not really why they’re popular.
Let me try and explain. Oh, and there are spoilers, so…
#1: Sharktopus
What I think I love most about shark movies is how much meaning you can glean from the title. The title of this movie is self-explanatory. If you read the title Sharktopus and thought, “That sounds kind of like a mix between a shark and an octopus” you are absolutely correct. That is exactly what this movie is about.
The US Navy–because of course the military is involved–pays a group of what I’m sure are very talented geneticists to create a shark/octopus hybrid. The Navy plans to use it as a weapon…or something. Not sure why a regular shark wouldn’t work, but you know, whatever.
In a completely surprising and not anticipated turn of events, Sharktopus escapes its captors and goes on a killing spree because that’s what it’s been engineered to do. Also, it hates women in bikinis. You can buy it for four bucks from YouTube.
This is the trailer:
#2: Megashark Versus Crocosaurus
If you read the title and thought this movie was about a huge shark fighting a giant crocodile, you are correct. That is exactly what this movie is about. Oh, and they kill some people, too, but whatever.
In the glorious sequel to Megashark Versus Giant Octopus, two ancient creatures have recently been discovered in two ancient places. Megashark, frozen in a block of ice for *mumble, mumble* years breaks free and immediately sets out on its primary purpose of only eating humans. At one point, Megashark is so desperate for delicious human meat that it jumps thirty-eight thousand feet into the air and eats an entire plane.
Meanwhile, in the Congo, a very legitimate and not-illegal-at-all diamond mining operation awakens the Crocosaurus. Crocosaurus also has an insatiable desire for human flesh–only human flesh–and sets out on eating as many people as it can.
Eventually, the two mega-creatures have a showdown that puts Godzilla vs King Kong to shame. This can be found on Netflix.
Alas, I could not embed this trailer, so click here to view.
#3: Swamp Shark
If you first thought after reading the title was, “That sounds like a swamp with sharks in it” you are wrong. There’s only one shark in it. Otherwise it would be called Swamp Sharks. Haven’t you been paying attention?
A shark has invaded an otherwise family-friendly, alligator-infested swamp. Only, once the shark starts eating the alligators, this threatens a family-owned restaurant that depended on the alligators…for some reason. Anyway, the only way to save the family business is to hunt down and kill the shark. So a ragtag team of restaurant employees goes to kill it.
At various points throughout the movie, the shark eats people. It eats sexy teenagers trying to make out in a very sketchy boat and a police officer in one bite. Unfortunately, it does not eat any children, who are rescued at the last minute by the corrupt sheriff. Oh, well.
In their last stand to kill the shark, the restaurant employees plan on shoving a propane tank into the shark’s mouth and shooting it, thereby exploding the shark. This is not unusual. However, the plan fails because they all suck at shark hunting. In a final desperate move, the scrappy restaurant employees wrap a rope around the shark and feed the rope into a giant fan. The shark is then dragged helplessly into the giant fan and is shredded. Sorry if I ruined it for you. You can watch the whole thing on YouTube.
Here’s a trailer:
#4: Two-Headed Shark Attack
Is this movie about a two-headed shark attacking people? Yes, yes it is. As we should all know by now, every single shark in the ocean–but especially the mutated ones–are voracious man-eaters who can’t go a single hour without consuming an entire human being. And you know THSA is going to be AWESOME when two bikini-clad girls are eaten in the first ten minutes.
So there’s a plot or whatever about a semester at sea. These sexy co-eds are on a boat learning about the ocean and sea-navigation and the contour and shape of Brooke Hogan’s boobs. Oh, yeah, Brooke Hogan is in this. So is Carmen Electra, actually. There’s a nice three-minute scene of Carmen Electra sunbathing on the top of the boat while her friend is devoured by the two-headed shark. Classy.
The boat begins to take on water, so the sexy co-eds have to take refuge on an atoll–not an island–where they look for scrap metal in order to help fix the boat. Or something. No one cares why they’re there. One problem, though: the atoll begins sinking into the ocean! Where the two-headed shark is!! And only Brooke Hogan can save them!!!
Then they all die except for Brooke Hogan and her skinny sidekick. Oh, and in order to defeat the shark, they have to make it explode. Twice. This movie can be found on Netflix.
Here’s a low-quality trailer:
With these four movies under your belt, I hope you feel adequately prepared for Sharknado on Syfy tonight at 7/6c. Hint: don’t wear a bikini. Just in case.
