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This Week In Awkward 11/1

This Week In Awkward 11/1

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It’s the day after Halloween and we’re still recuperating from the unspeakable awkwardness of trying to come up with a few hours worth of variations of “take your candy and get off my lawn” while not appearing to be an anti-social hermit, and faking it to the neighbors that “of course I like your little banshees—oh how cute you disguised them as a princess.” So, forgive us if our This Week in Awkward is a little grumpy.

Amy: Would you like your hot chocolate with or without sperm?

I work in a coffee shop, and it’s that time of year again where everyone wants hot chocolate with all the trimmings. So for the millionth time in one day, I put some giant marshmallows on a plate for a customer … except one of them, I noticed, had a funny “tail.” Without thinking, I burst out laughing and called over my co-worker to point out the “sperm marshmallow” to her. And in textbook TWIA style, I did it in front of one of the only attractive guys I’ve ever seen in my workplace. Facepalm.

Haley: The Dangers of Diet

It was Monday and I was tired. I went to lean my elbow on my desk so I could lean my head on my hand, but I put my elbow too close to the edge. It slipped off and my head fell forward, knocking over my 44-oz. cup of Diet Coke, which spilled on my desk. It was a good morning.

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Kirstie: Table For One

I work for a casting director in Austin, but because the work can be inconsistent I also am a waitress and bartender at a neighborhood Tex-Mex restaurant. I was helping out with an audition session, being the reader for the actors to do their scene with. During our lunch break my coworkers and I were discussing the crazy stories I’ve experienced as a server- rude customers, crazy requests, etc. When we went back into auditioning people, I guess my brain was still in waitress mode, because when the first actor walked in and asked if he could use a chair for the scene I said, “Sure, absolutely! You can grab that chair or a booth.” My boss and the camera operator burst out laughing and the actor looked at me like I was nuts.

Katie: Time & Relative Space Idiot

Someone told me that last week was the time change. Sunday morning I woke up an hour earlier than I usually do feeling oddly refreshed. That evening when I went to bed at my normal time I thought, “Wow it feels so much later.” I’ve spent the entire past week thinking the clocks had already changed (I mean come on, they’re all digital it happens automatically). It wasn’t until a neighbor was giving an in-depth treatise on the lack of trick-or-treaters at this particular time due to the lateness of the time change that I realized it is in fact this weekend. More importantly, my brain has been lying to my body all week long. And I’m an idiot. Though apparently time is relative.

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How awkward was your week? Tweet us @litdarling

Haley

Haley is a writer and editor based in Birmingham, Alabama, who specializes in narrative nonfiction. She began writing at age 16 after enrolling in her North Alabama high school's newspaper class. She later studied journalism and history at the University of Alabama. In her spare time, she prepares for her eventual sorting into Slytherin House, has frequent chats with her bust of Abraham Lincoln, and feeds an inordinate amount of lettuce to her pet bunny, Ray Bradbury. To contact her, please shout into the nearest void or talk loudly about Jason Isbell’s discography.
Haley
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