NEWS: How To Make Friends And Annex Regions By Vlad Putin

Ukraine still center of international attention. Pro-Russian forces have continued clashing with Ukrainian forces, with some Western officials pointing the finger at Moscow. Cities in Eastern Ukraine with large pro-Russian populations have recently seen calls for referendums to split with Ukraine. Meanwhile, Putin still doesn’t give a single shit about anything the U.S. says or does.

Two separate attacks in the United States. A Pennsylvania teen stabbed more than 20 in his high school before being tackled by an administrator. No victims died, and the suspect is currently in custody. Over the weekend an attack by white supremacist Frazier Glenn Cross left three dead at Jewish community centers in Kansas. Cross has been charged with murder and is also in custody.

Peace talks nearing another unsuccessful end. Israel and Palestine’s self-imposed deadline of April 29 is approaching, although it’s currently unclear if peace talks will continue after an increase in tensions. Israel’s delaying of a prisoner release prompted Palestine to formally apply for membership in 15 United Nations organizations, which in turn prompted Israeli officials to consider annexing large settlements in the West Bank and end talks prematurely. And the merry-go-round goes round and round yet again.

India recognizes third gender. A major win for transgender Indian citizens as the Supreme Court formally recognized “hijras” as an official third gender. The court also guaranteed equal protection and opportunity under the law, with one justice calling transgender rights a “human rights issue.”

Wait, Turkey, what are you doing? Gay-only prisons! That’s what Turkey is doing! The legislature is moving forward with a bill that would create prisons solely for inmates identifying as LGBT. The Justice Minister who proposed the law cited safety concerns for LGBT prisoners, who face possible discrimination or hate-crimes in current prisons. But gay rights activists are pretty super not okay with the whole thing because, you know, it’s a band-aid to a larger problem of homophobia.

Surprise! The U.S. is an oligarchy! At least according to a joint study between Princeton and Northwestern Universities. The study concluded that the U.S. government primarily serves the interests of the wealthy, while the average citizen has a “statistically non-significant impact on public policy.” Just kidding, it’s not really a huge surprise.

Hanger (hunger + anger) is ruining marriages. Or, at least, snacking is helping marriages. According to a recent Ohio State University study, couples who nibble treats together stay together, and fight less often. Researches cited blood sugar levels being related to irritability.

Wave of attacks sweeps Nigeria, leaving more than 200 dead. A bombing near the capital of Abuja and a wave of attacks in the north are the latest in Boko Haram’s ongoing conflict with Nigerian forces. The group targets civilians, including a bus station and a teachers college. Although unconfirmed by the military at this time, officials claim casualties number close to 300.

There is a lab growing vaginas. And now they have officially transplanted them on to human people! The development is huge for reconstructive surgeries, proving the ability to grow functioning genitalia in a lab. I’m not a scientist and can’t explain the details but seriously science is bewildering and awesome.

Boston marks one year since marathon bombing. It was one year ago when bombs were detonated at the finish line of the Boston Marathon, leading to a tense manhunt for the Tsarnaev brothers, one of whom remains in custody awaiting trial. The day was marked by moments of silence for victims as well as celebration of survivors’ strength and the strong selflessness shown by Boston in the aftermath of the attack.