Hello. My name is Rachel, and I’m a Hamilton: An American Musical addict. I’ve been addicted to Hamilton ever since it came out. I was addicted to the soundtrack before I even got to see it. Yes, I got to see it. Yes, it was awesome. Yes, It only made my addiction worse. If you must know, when I actually experienced Hamilton, I cried the entire time and almost threw up from excitement and sheer awe. I know there are a lot of people like me out there, so I wanted to write this in an attempt to warn you in case you are clueless about your problem and before your friends and family start to suggest you might need an intervention. Okay, in my case, it wasn’t a suggestion, the intervention really happened.
So without further ado, here are some signs you may need a Hamilton intervention.
1. You need to Listen to Hamilton When You Get Up in The Morning to Feel Motivated to Do Anything
When you wake up in the morning the first thing you do is listen to “My Shot” because it gets you pumped up for the day. Because you’re just like your country, “Young, scrappy, and hungry” and you’re “not going to waste” your shot. You’re going to get a scholarship to King’s College, damn it! Also, where is King’s college? You don’t know, but you want to go there.
2. When someone says the word “Satisfied” you immediately burst into song.
So much that your friends and family are terrified to say the word “Satisfied” because everyone strikes you as a “woman who has never been satisfied” when they are not satisfied with their lunch.
3. You suddenly find yourself obsessed with American history, even if you weren’t before.
You read books like Thomas Jefferson by Christopher Hitchens and John Adams by David McCullough. If you were already obsessed with American history, it has suddenly become socially acceptable, kind of like how musical theatre became something cool to do when High School Musical came out. SCORE! Now you can talk about The Federalist Papers in public and rap about U.S. History and you’re a totally normal human and not a huge nerd.
4. You get upset because you feel like half of the problems that happen in Hamilton are still happening now.
5. Anything that happens or has happened in the 2016 election is immediately compared to things that happened in Hamilton.
6. You want to unfriend that girl on Facebook who wrote something rude about Lin-Manuel Miranda even though you’ve never met him.
SHE’S JUST JEALOUS, BECAUSE SHE DIDN’T WRITE HAMILTON.
7. You can do a one woman show of Hamilton.
I actually can, so feel free to pay me instead of spending $700 on tickets six months in advance. Or just say the word “Satisfied” in my presence and I’ll do it for free.
8. Your music play list looks like this:
9. You try to rename your dog Hamilton, even though he is already named after another Broadway show (Pippin) because you’ve been a super dork all of your life.
You realize you only want to name your dog after underdogs people write Broadway shows about. You have an underdog dog.
10. You suddenly cannot go on any dates where men have not written you letters first, because you want romantic letters.
Because Hamilton writes Eliza and Angelica the best letters. Even though they’re sisters and that’s really weird, and he cheats on his wife eventually. Forget about messaging, I want someone to mail me something. In the actual mail.
11. You go to Trinity Church in New York to see Hamilton, Eliza, and Angelica’s graves.
You can’t stop singing when you see their tombstones. You wonder if people stand outside of their graves all the time and sing, and if they are rolling over hoping that everyone will stop singing.
12. You find yourself wishing that you lived in 1776.
Even though they didn’t have modern medicine, plumbing, the internet, or women’s rights back then.
13. When you go on runs, you only listen to Hamilton.
When you’re going to work, you only listen to Hamilton. When you’re in the shower, you only listen to Hamilton. Hamilton. Hamilton. Hamilton.
14. You’ve ruined this musical for your friends and family because of your obsession.
Now they all don’t like Hamilton. They sit you down on their couch and ban you from listening to Hamilton because they think that you have a Hamilton problem. You agree to tone it down a bit, but secretly lock yourself in the bathroom to listen to Hamilton anyway.