Fictitious Stars Hollow, where the beloved Rory and Lorelai Gilmore live is a special place. Located in small town America, it contains a plethora of unique characters and quirky themed events.” This town would not be the beloved fictional place that it is without Kirk Gleason.
Kirk proudly owns his unique personality and never apologizes for peculiar requests or actions. His out-of-left-field actions and hairbrained schemes give him in a special place in the Gilmore Girls cast. He’s intrinsic to town events like Living Art shows, dance marathons and endless festivals. It’s no surprise that his seemingly ceaseless antics don’t let him hold any of his jobs for very long. He even claims to have had about 15,000 jobs. Here are 25 of Kirk’s nuttiest schemes, quotes, and memorable jobs in Stars Hollow.
1) Dressing up as the town seductress for Revolutionary skit
Kirk oozes Stars Hollow pride as he shouts with joy when his girlfriend, Lulu, is chosen to be the town seductress in a historical reenactment. When Lulu becomes ill, Kirk surprises everyone by stepping in Lulu’s place. Kirk will seemingly do anything for the town, especially to never let Taylor down.
2) “Hay There” Skin Products
I’m not exactly sure how Kirk makes a leap from cows never wrinkling to making a skincare line. However, this scheme takes the cake because users were having allergic reactions and couldn’t just throw the sinister product in the trash. Yikes!
3) Pawning old women’s rings
Kirk hits a creepy high when he tries to sell rings of old women he befriends. The show suggests these were possibly more than platonic relationships. You can take that wherever your imagination flies.
4) “Animal planet doesn’t even do it for me anymore.”
Kooky Kirk dresses to impress women for Sookie and Jackson’s wedding. Not too many townsfolk understand him, not to mention interested single ladies. Luckily enough, Kirk finds his dream lady who adores him despite his oddities.
5) Yummy bartenders
One of his most eccentric businesses ventures is creating a “yummy” bartending service. He describes the bartenders as “mouth-watering tasty morsels of manhood.” During Lane’s wedding, Kirk dissolves the business when he thinks Lulu is having a bit too much fun with the yumminess.
6) Driving the pedicab
Kirk deserves points for creativity for his pedicab idea. However, his lack of stamina causes an abrupt halt to his scheme when he can’t even carry two passengers. Rory and Lorelai probably would have stuck it out if it wasn’t for the donuts awaiting them at Luke’s.
7) Wacky mailboxes
Kirk’s creativity hits a new high and hilarity by selling nutty mailboxes to Lorelai for the Dragonfly Inn. This is one of the few businesses that would actually be profitable. Hopefully, the mailboxes make sounds when they open the door. Which one do you think she bought?
8) Disturbing recital performance
During Miss Patty’s annual recital, Kirk reenacts a very disturbing skit he performed as a child. He mimes the life cycle from birth to death, complete with over-the-top contortions. Like the April plot twist, I prefer to block this from memory.
9) Kirk’s lack of observance
For a period of time, Kirk left his mother’s home and bounced from home to home in Stars Hollow. Some of Kirk’s best quotes occurred during this time. His behavior at Lorelai’s really makes me wonder what his home life and mother are like.
10) Personal video
Kirk always hints at his ability to be creative. During a film screening, guests are treated to a short film by the kooky man himself. Unfortunately, the show only offers a snippet of the entire film. Click here to check out the entire film.
11) Running naked from the Dragonfly Inn
Kirk tries so hard to woo Lulu, but sometimes he falls short. Somehow he convinces Luke to save Lulu during one of his night terrors. During Luke and Lorelai’s first kiss, a naked Kirk sprints between them as he’s having a night terror. It really wouldn’t be Stars Hollow without Kirk.
12) Almost jumping out of an airplane
Loveable, yet very gullible, Kirk is willing to jump out of a plane for Taylor’s grand opening of the Taylor’s Olde Fashioned Soda Shoppe. This stunt is absurd even for him. The lesson probably cost more than Taylor’s payment of $20 for the stunt.
13) Faux flirting
Lorelai and Kirk possess fantastic comedic timing. Between Kirk’s obliviousness and Lorelai’s charm, they really should do stand-up together.
Kirk walks to his own beat with his quirky method of delivering mail. Unfortunately, the townspeople weren’t very forgiving with his lack of timeliness and organization. It was a nail biter waiting for Rory’s college acceptance letter. Luckily, Kirk didn’t misplace it and delivered it eventually.
15) Printing t-shirts with everyday phrases
Kirk’s humor and the townspeople’s humor didn’t always match. He decided to create a business with amusing scenes that he sees in the Stars Hollow. These didn’t sell that well in Stars Hollow, but you can actually buy them online. What phrase do you think Kirk should have printed?
16) Copycat Luke’s
During a town ceremony, Kirk is blinded by a flashing light and drives Taylor’s car into Luke’s Diner. During the repairs at Luke’s, Kirk takes it upon himself to open a replica of Luke’s diner complete with a Kirk’s sign and plaid shirt uniform. The hilarity of the situation went right over Kirk’s head, and he even offered Luke an application to work there.
17) Asking Lorelai out on a Date
After Kirk asks Lorelai out on a date, he says she is pretty “like one of the women in a dirty magazine.” Bad approach Kirk. Thankfully, it never worked out with Rory’s “almost-daddy.”
18) Cat Kirk
Poor Kirk bought satan in the form of a cat. His luck just seems to run rather short. At least for his sanity and health, cat Kirk only appears in that one episode.
19) Hot dog
Sookie loses her mind a little by hiring Kirk for a job. However, it was worth it seeing Luke pop his top as Kirk advertises the Dragonfly Inn dressed as a wiener. I repeat—wiener, not hot dog.
20) Over-thinking “Jesus”
Kirk and Jesus just don’t work in the same sentence. Kirk takes his role in the Living Art festival a little too seriously and even starts to preach to crowds. This is an example of method acting gone one step too far.
21) Collecting blue and pink ribbons
One of the most peculiar moments is when the town divides after Lorelai and Luke break-up. Supporters don color-coordinated ribbons in support of Team Lorelai and Team Luke. When the two reconnect, Kirk makes it his personal project to collect all the ribbons. Being Kirk, he takes the job too seriously, including chasing his girlfriend down.
22) Dog Walker
Instead of evil Cat Kirk, Human Kirk should really invest in a dog. He really connected with them as a dog walker; heck he even picked up a stray while walking the giant pack.
23) Lulu and Kirk are official!
Kirk can’t even believe it himself that he has a girlfriend. Finally, he has another half to experience life with and will hopefully stop making weird, sexual Animal Planet references.
24) Rotten easter eggs
Kirk takes each of his jobs very, very seriously. He hides real Easter eggs all over the town square in incredible hiding spots. When Kirk fails to produce an egg map and the town begins to reek of rotting eggs, he disappoints Taylor and Luke steps in to save the day.
25) Kirk being, well, Kirk
Each moment with Kirk is like a snowflake. He won’t disappoint in the new series either with his new schemes and job titles.
Bonus: Kirk hosts his own show, Kirk’s Town Tours, which is an eight part series on touring Stars Hollow. I promise you they are pure magic.
Kirk’s upcoming antics certainly won’t disappoint in the upcoming months for the new Netflix miniseries. What do you think Kirk has up his sleeve? Tweet us at @litdarling!
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